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Friday, January 22, 2010

CRIT FRIDAY OPENING #1 Finding Caleb


Member Critiques:

AMY: Loved the first line. Great grabber.
I had to read the following sentence a few times and it slowed down the flow of the reading for me. "What had been even more galling was that the brute had dared to grab her calf then continued to grace her with the most twisted smile his loosed jaws were capable of."
Great description in the second paragraph and it flowed well.

GAIL: I agree, the opening hook is great. Then you go straight into a flashback, and that makes me wonder if you're starting in the right place. All those 'had's' get a little bit cumbersome. It might be better to show the scene in real time. I love your spitfire heroine and I'm interested in seeing how this story ends. Good luck with it.

SAMANTHA: I really love the first line. It grabs my attention right away and makes me want to read more. I also like your descriptions, and I can empathize with your heroine right away. All of these are great strengths in your wip. You know, I agree with Gail about showing the scene in real time. I'd love to see Evie whack him with the tray, and with your ability to write description, I think you could put me right there cheering her on. Nice work.

MELISSA: I would go so far as to say start the second paragraph with Seven days ago... that way your initial line has more impact: Evie Gallahan was going back to jail. No exclamations btw, it should read as a statement and exclamations should be used sparingly. If you decide to go back and rewrite in real time to show us the action, check out my blog on action, I hope it'll help. But I definitely agree I would stick to using real time versus flashbacks. Excellent job, good luck with it.

HEATHER: Thanks for joining us. The first line is good but then you delve into a lot of back-story. I think it would read better if you teased this information out during some action. You need to get the reader into the setting and the story. I’m not in your story yet but I would be interested to see any changes you make.


JERRICA: I have to agree with all the others - you've got a great opening hook, but the flashback immediately slows things down and takes us out of the action. I would say to either start with the scene she's describing and give it to us in real time OR drop the backstory in while she's being carted off to jail. The writing is definitely good, so keep at it, and good luck! :)

PHYLLIS: I have to admit, "Campbelltown" had me grinning like a fool (since that's my last name), and so right away I was going to love this entry. lol The first line really hooked me and reeled me in. Although I have to agree...doing a flashback in the opening of chapter one should be avoided. It slows down the pace and that's something you don't want to do.

JULIE: The opening line hooked me right away. The next line confused me. It was hard to read, and I went back and re-read it three times. I think the story could definitley start in the scene where she hits the man grabbing her, and then she is carted off to jail. The heroine seems spunky, and I love the hints of her personality you drop with phrases such as, "There had never been a prouder moment in her life" and "A better dish he'd never been served indeed." The bit you have shown us is intriguing and promising.

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