Friday, January 22, 2010
CRIT FRIDAY OPENING #2 Nothing Ventured
Posted by Heather Boyd
AMY: Another great opening line. Also, great closing line because now I am wondering. You grabbed my attention.
The "She smiled. Generous mouth." read awkward to me. Otherwise, I enjoyed the exchange and knowing his thought process.
SAMANTHA: Intriguing. I like that it starts with action right away. I also think the short sentences convey that Eric is (1) a man and (2) a busy man who is accustomed to crushing people's dreams. Is he an agent? ;)
One thing I feel could enhance this scene is to describe the setting. What I mean by that is inserting sounds, scents or some visuals within the scene. So, maybe something like this: "Mr. Berenger, I have a proposition for you." The woman's soft voice barely broke through the rumble of simultaneous conversations around the vast room. Okay. I'm winging it here at 11:00 pm, so I'm not claiming it's brilliant. But hopefully this serves as a good illustration. As the wip stands now, I can't tell if they are alone or where they are? Is he sitting with colleagues? Is he standing and packing his briefcase? Are there food smealls since it is a lunch? I think filling in the details will help to build a world to draw in your readers.
MELISSA: Excellent hooks! Both beginning and end. Excellent action, perfect example of using short sentences and short paragraphs to keep the pace fast! Way to go. You've hooked me and I want to read more. Good job. My only suggestions which probably isn't a good suggestion at all considering this is only the first 200 words and you probably do this later but like Michelle I'd like to see where we are. I'd like to get a sense of the time and setting as well. But agian you probably do this later in the scene. Other than that, great job!
HEATHER: Great opening line – made me smile.
Suggest you delete: Comes with the territory, though.; albeit not exciting (Chamber of Commerce luncheon already sounds dull); *Good*. Those changes would improve flow.
The remaining lines were great. Thanks for letting us critique your work.
JERRICA: This seems like a fun read! I'm going to go ahead and agree with Michelle, though. It would be an even better opening if there were a few more details dabbled in. Best of luck with it!
PHYLLIS: Great opening line! Pulled me right in...as did the last line. Personally, I couldn't see any problems with this at all. I agree with Heather when she said you delete (or rewrite) "Comes with the territory, though.. etc" That part I stumbled over.
JULIE: I am curious right away as to what the propostion is, so I would definitly read further. I like the short sentences. They keep the action moving and show me he thinks quickly as a business man would. The last line of the second paragraph should be re-written. You could add two short lines of blocking, setting description, in front of the dialogue, "Thank you Ms. Noland" and "Do you have a few minutes?" This blocking would place the reader in the scene because as it stands now, I'm clueless as to what is around them, and I want to know. Although I like the last line, once again, I would add blocking, but this time I would add an aciton of hers that hints at her personality. Good luck!
at 7:01 AM