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Friday, January 22, 2010

CRIT FRIDAY OPENING #3 Marcie adjusted

Member critiques:

AMY: Interesting set up and I liked the dialogue right off. You set a good pace but it slowed with the description of "The second day . . ." The description was great and I could visualize where they were, and I see where it is necessary, but for some reason it slowed your pace. Maybe if you took out some of the back story about "hours earlier . . . .photo albums . . ." to tighten this section and keep with your quick and intriguing pace.

MELISSA: My first concern in this: You set this up with Marcie in your first line but we are in Serena's pov. My initial thought was that we were in Marcie pov and she was the main character. If you could re-phrase this so that Serena is in the first line somehow, it would probably clear that up. I would also add to re-write and put in real time. Limit your flashbacks. Maybe: After a lazy day of lounging on thier second day of celebrating, the mood had changed. Just a suggestion though. Love the banter btw, it's great dialogue!

HEATHER: Thanks for joining us at Lady Scribes

I did have some suggestions for your first line until I worked out Marcie wasn’t the viewpoint character. Suggest you start from Serena saying, for example, “No, you can’t have him.” and then tweak the rest to fit.

FROM: On the second day… TO: warning? I would alter most of this into dialogue with Marcie and expand their conversation. I think Marcie might be a bit of a handful to take on holiday. LOL. I do like how wicked she sounds.

SAMANTHA: I actually liked the word greased in your wip. It painted a picture for me. I could see the coconut scented oil glistening on her skin. I vote to keep it.

One thing that threw me out of the story, as odd as it might seem, was the foreshadowing of the sea gulls sounding a warning. It wasn't quite subtle enough for me, but as you can see from the varied comments, this is a very subjective process. And I love the sound of gulls. I associate them with relaxing on a beach. I don't think I would ever think of them as sounding a warning, so maybe that's why it seems a little forced to me. Now if it were crows, that would be a different story.

I agree with my fellow lady scribes that starting with Marcie made me think she was your heroine.

JERRICA: This is what I get for chiming in so late, but I have to agree with what everyone else has said. They covered all the suggestions I would have made. I will say, though, that the tone/subject matter hooked me right away - it's definitely something I would enjoy reading. It could just use some polishing to make the opening stellar! Great job!

PHYLLIS: I was a little confused at the beginning whose pov we were in. You jump right into dialogue, which is good, but still it wasn't enough of a hook. Keep working on it, because the premise is very interesting!

JULIE: The heroine sounds interesting, and her story intrigues me. However, as previously stated, starting with Marcy confused me. I think you should start with Serena talking then Marcy going into her dialogue. Maybe Serena could ask Marcy why they are floating by her ex-husbands house and then Marcy could say "speaking of men." I think the long paragraph in the middle should be broken up and filtered into the convesation and story. Otherwise, it reads like an information dump to me even though pain some nice descriptions. Good luck!

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing your work with everyone. As I said in some of the other posts - I think you're braver than I am. This sort of thing has always scared me. So, good for you. :)

    I don't have much to add that my counterparts haven't already said. The dialogue between the two women was great, but I thought the paragraph of back story slowed your pace. Grab the audience's interest and then start filtering the information you think we need to know to us. Give us more of their personality up front and make us fall in love with them. You're on the right path. :)