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Friday, January 22, 2010

CRIT FRIDAY OPENING #5 The Collection


Member critiques:

GAIL: Wow. The opening line is fantastic. For a moment, I thought I was reading a paranormal. When I realized it was a police/murder story, I immediately knew it was so much better than your standard "just the facts ma'am" story. The title's great, the writing's great, and I am completely hooked. I just know I'm going to see this at the B&N someday... and I'll buy it too. Good luck with your writing career.

AMY: I agree with Gail, this is a great opening and you grabbed my attention immediately. I wish I could keep reading.

MELISSA: It is a great opening. My suggestion to strengthen your opening line is this: Back among the dead, (insert character's name here to give us a clear view of who's pov we're in) hated seeing the horror and innocent victims. He wished it would end. (When you put too much into one line, the point get's lost somewhere, so break up overlong sentences- especially in action scenes. Shorter equals faster pacing.)
I would also start the second paragraph with: The body lay there, blood surrounded her and splattered on the wall, almost as high as the painting.
I would also suggest you go through and check your ing words. Too many make for weaker writing. Change just a few and you'll be surprised at how much stronger the writing ends up. Great opening though, it's definitely a good hook and the ending hook with the oils is phenomenal! Brilliant btw. I loved it.

HEATHER: Thanks for joining us.

Great first line – but start with Nate not He.

Suggestion: But no, there was just one corpse this time. She lay there, blood splattered up the wall, high enough to drip from a gilt picture frame.

You have great opening paragraphs here and I would love to read more.

JERRICA: Very well done start to a novel! I immediately thought "DaVinci Code" (which I loved, by the way.) I don't have much to say, but as Her Grace of Grammar, I just can't let this go. Before "Nate looked closer," change the period to a comma and it'll be perfect :) Well done!

PHYLLIS: I will agree with the others. AWESOME opening! Pulled me right in. The only thing I could suggest is you add a little action to it. For the moment he's just thinking and moving his gaze. Have him do more. That's all I suggest. lol Great job!



Samantha: I find this opening intriguing. The only thing I would suggest, and it is very minor, is tweaking your third paragraph a little so it flows better. The part where he says he wished he was outside with his partner is immediately followed with the line, "She'd gone outside willingly." I think you could just say he wished he was with his partner before this line. What I really loved about this scene is the pairing of the murder and art. It makes me wonder if this is perhaps a theme. I definitely would keep reading.

JULIE: This is a great opening paragraph. It hooked me from the start. I love action and intrigue and you seem to have both here, so I would willingly read more. I like that you show the hero's vulnerable side immediately with the simple line, his stomach clenched. It gives me a nice window into his personality. Keep me posted
on your wip, I would love to read more.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Thanks for sharing your work in such a public forum. I think all of you are braver than I am.

    Very nice submission.

    The only thing that jumped out at me when reading this was the first line. I wanted to know who "He" was and didn't like having to wait a couple paragraphs to find out. I would start with Nate LASTNAME, just so the audience has someone to identify with.

    Thanks for sharing your opening!

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