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Friday, February 19, 2010

CRIT FRIDAY FIRST KISS #8 The Exile

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-four.” She could manage no more than a whisper.

“And you’ve reached that age without ever having been kissed?”

“Yes.”

He raised his other hand, bringing it to rest at the nape of her neck. She caught her breath as his eyes focused on her lips. “Then let me remedy that.”

The first brush of his lips was no more than a simple, warm push against hers. Then he tightened his grip on her nape, angled his head and drew her in.

Rachel could do no more than attempt to mimic the sensual slide of his mouth. Her hands fluttered with the need to grasp hold of something. One of them ended up wrapped about his forearm, while the other entangled itself in the loose fabric at the front of his shirt.

She gasped as something hot and moist darted between her lips. His tongue. She pulled back for a moment, hesitant. No one had ever told her that kissing involved anything other than lips.

He followed her, his fingers spearing into her hair, the better to hold her steady. His body pressed closer to hers, all of its heat and strength branding themselves into her skin through the thin linen of her nightdress.

He coaxed her lips apart once more, and his tongue made another foray into her mouth. Tentatively, she raised her tongue to fend him off. Something like a groan rose in his throat and became trapped between her lips.

His embrace emboldened until it became nearly desperate in its intensity. His arms tightened about her, even as he pushed her back. Conscious thought ceased, and Rachel could only respond to the onslaught. She was no longer fending him off. Her tongue twined with his. She was actively encouraging him now in response to the strange hunger that had awoken deep in the pit of her stomach.

It drove her to pull him closer, to push her fingers into his hair. It conjured wicked images in her mind of the two of them with no barriers between them. In her mind, she explored his lithe body without reservation and he returned the favor. Their joining was every bit as delicious and sinful as Sarah had claimed.

And it would be.

Only Rachel knew she’d never find the words to describe it adequately. She could barely pin down how his mere kiss made her feel. It was equal parts light and shadow, elation and pain, joy and sorrow. It was…

A metallic clatter broke them apart. They stared at each other for a long moment, their breathing harsh and ragged. Jonas’ eyes had gone black with need. Her body recognized it if her mind did not.

If he’s been without a woman for that long, he won’t be able to keep his hands off you!

Sarah had been right about that. She’d only awoken that morning, and already he was after her. A tremor passed through her as she thought of what might have happened if she hadn’t passed out at their wedding. He might have claimed his marital rights that very night. He could still demand them. Tonight.

Now.


JERRICA: I really enjoyed this! Very well written and very sensual. I'm already interested in these characters and their story, so I hope to see it published one day! The only thing I might change is the term "passed out". Is this an historical? I get the feeling that it is, in which case, "passed out" is too modern (circa 1915). Otherwise, well done!

LYDIA: Congrats, this was a great scene. Very sensual.

My suggestion would only be word choice. In three different places in your submission, you describe things similarly: (1) She could manage no more than a whisper. (2)Rachel could do no more than attempt to mimic the sensual slide of his mouth. (3) and Rachel could only respond to the onslaught.

I'm not necessarily saying you should change anything, but they jumped out at me as feeling the same.

AMY: This was an enjoyable and descriptive read and I only have a few suggestions.

This phrase seemed out of place in her POV "the better to hold her steady".
Also, a short bit later "His arms tightened about her, even as he pushed her back." You need to take his hand from her head for this to happen.
Then you have her "to push her fingers into his hair". I wouldn't repeat the action. What she is going is fine without it.

I love this description "It was equal parts light and shadow, elation and pain, joy and sorrow."

GAIL: I agree with the others. This scene is very well done. I especially liked the clattering interruption and "if she hadn't passed out at the wedding." Those are both great hooks that made me want to read the rest of the book. Thanks for sharing this with us.

JULIE: Good job with this first kiss scene. Here are a few suggestions. Try to make everything active. This scene is pact with emotion and the more active the scene the better. Try to avoid words like "thought" for the most part in your character's pov. Usually when they say they "think" something the action has already happened. Here is an example of changing a line to exclude the word "thought." A tremor passed through her. What might have happened if she hadn't passed out on their wedding night?

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