Our Pages

Friday, February 19, 2010

CRIT FRIDAY FIRST KISS #1 TSB

Working Title: TSB.
(First kiss scene between David and Holly. Story is a cellphone novel -- poetically speaking. Hopefully that's okay. And hopefully I'm not too late. It's already Monday, but any critic is fine with me. :D This is awesomely cool, btw. Thanks.)


I don’t love you.
I can’t love you.
I twist my fingers behind my back, watching his hand bring the pen across my paper.
The red ink leaves blotches in the numbers – eager, expanding spots eating his writing.
His talking.
His lips are moving.
I don’t hear a word.
I stare at his lips – the empty room clammy and suffocating.
I can hear students outside the door.
I can hear the whole world awake, around me.
Just out of earshot.
Just out of reach.
This was a moment they couldn’t see me.
He turns to look at me, hard green eyes staring up at me from his seat.
His perfect brown curls cut short to his head.
His scruffle – he forgot to shave again.
Those eyes.
Those lips.
My stomach drops so low.
My heart thunders in my ears.
But it’s like everything is taking over.
Every moment I’ve taken to watching him.
Every moment I’d wasted dreaming of him.
Every moment I’d wished he were mine not hers.
His tired.
His lonely.
His sad.
She’s hurt him.
They’ve had a fight.
I’ve seen someone like this before –
I knew this look.
I knew it so well.
He says my name.
All I can see is his mouth move – I read it.
Holly.
And then, I can’t help it anymore.
I can’t shake it anymore.
I’m about to explode.
I’m about to expand.
I’m about to implode.
I’m about to die at such a young age.
My hand on the wood of the desk, I lean forward.
My eyes are closed.
The darkness is all I want to see.
This is the end.
I can feel it rush.
I lean close, I can feel his breath on my lips and I kiss him.
I press my lips to his.
They’re warm.
His so warm.
I don’t touch him any other way.
Just one connection.
My lips to his.
A message in a kiss.
I love you.
I want you.
I need you.
You barely know my name.
I can’t get yours out of my head.
The whole world collapses, exchanges, fries itself alive.
And I’m kissing him.
I’m kissing him.
And the whole world doesn’t matter anymore.
I’m kissing David Landon.
And the consequences don’t seem so bad.
I’m kissing my teacher.
And I know.
In the moment.
My lips on his.
An innocent, childish kiss.
In the moment.
I was digging my own grave.
And I wasn’t even afraid.

GAIL: This is really neat. I will confess that I have never read a cellphone novel before, but I really like the format. You've got great conflict here and we are deep in the heroine's POV. Generally, I found the use of repetition very effective. I did, however, stumble a bit over the "His tired, His lonely, His sad" . Still, this format is very poetic, so I was willing to grant you poetic license on that part. Reading this was a delightful new experience. Thank you for letting us critique it.

HEATHER: Wow. I have not read anything like this before but I loved your work. I did stumble over "His tired. His lonely. His sad." too.

JULIE: I also have never read a cellphone novel, but I certainly will now. You have great tension! I stumbled over the "His sad," "His lonely" lines as well. Did you mean 'He's sad." Love the twist at the end! In the two lines preceding the last one to keep the dialogue present and moving you might consider saying, In this moment, I dug my own grave. Great job!




SAMANTHA: I loved it. I loved the intensity, the pacing and the surprise ending. What fantastic conflict. I took the lines, "His tired", "His lonely", and "His sad" to mean this other woman was these things in his life. I may be totally off base. The only part that threw me a bit was starting off speaking directly to him ("you"), but then switching to third person ("him"/"his") and then back again ("you"). I wonder what it might look like staying with one. Maybe the way you have it works best. Excellent job. Thank you very much for sharing.

JERRICA: WoW! This is super cool! I've never even heard of a cellphone novel, but I love it! I have nothing bad to say. I agree with Samantha in how she took the "His tired, his lonely..." lines, so those didn't really bother me at all. The scene is sexy and intriguing, and I love the twist that it's her teacher. Very hot! Thanks for posting and introducing all of us to this new genre!

2 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for looking at my work -- and great comments, with great advice! OH, I didn't even realize I did something off! All my life I thought "he's" was spelled the same as "his"! I just found out yesterday that is wrong. Boy, do I feel dumb. Ha ha. So, it was suppose to be "he's tired" - yatta yatta yatta. I probably would have never caught that! Thanks! And with the "you" that Samantha noticed -- yes, I tend to do that a lot throughout Holly's story. Um, so far it doesn't seem to screw anything up. With about one hundred and thirty chapters already standing, the people that have currently read it haven't brought it up. But, I will look into it -- I'll go back and see. Cause they might not have noticed! I kind of add it in as more of thoughts in her head, ranging. It's always toward the beginning of a chapter or right at the end. Thanks! I will look into that! And Julie, that does sound like it might be better. I'll try it out -- with the grave bit.

    Thanks for the comments everyone! And I'm glad I could introduce a new genre! Ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So glad you posted. It was a joy to read. :)

    ReplyDelete