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Friday, February 19, 2010

CRIT FRIDAY FIRST KISS #6 (no title)

Cordelia took a frantic look back towards the edge of the ravine where she could see her pursuers head bobbing just above the grass. Somewhere in her panic Cordelia realized the man had called her princess. She stopped struggling and looked up to see Tyson Leopold’s face. Tyson suddenly lifted Cordelia off the grass and disappeared into the grove of trees. From the safety of the shadows Cordelia and Tyson watched Cordelia’s pursuer emerge from the ravine. The man slowly pulled himself to the top of the grassy slope. He stood at the edge of the ravine scanning the area for his prey. His face was red, but Cordelia could not tell it was from the climb or anger. Cordelia let out the breath she had been holding in and relaxed against Tyson when the man disappeared down a trial across the lea. Tyson started to chuckle.

“I thought you wanted Griff to catch you.”

Cordelia swung around to face Tyson. He stood so close that they came nose to nose. Aqua eyes met hazel eyes. Cordelia’s mouth went dry and her pulse thundered in her veins. Her body flushed in response to the nearness of this man she had known less than a day. Lowering her eyes Cordelia broke the connection between them. She tried to turn her back on Tyson, but he grabbed her shoulders to keep her facing him. He tipped her head back so that their eyes once again met. Butterflies flutter inside her as Tyson leaned forward and kissed her. His lips felt sun dried and cracked from his time in the outdoors, but gentle against her mouth. The tenderness of Tyson’s kiss belied the passion that emanated from it and filled Cordelia with pleasure and heat. By the time Tyson released her, Cordelia could neither breathe nor move. Tyson quickly turned from her and when he turned back the skin above his full beard was flushed and his eyes cast downward.

“I’m sorry Cordelia. I don’t usually accost women like that.”

“How do you usually accost them?”

“I, um, I don’t. I mean…I’m sorry. Do you need an escort back to town? I can’t do it myself, but we do have a trustworthy man or two in camp.”


LYDIA: First let me say, one of my most favorite things in the world is characters' names. And I LOVE Cordelia. Great name. :) OK, on to the critique. I am not Her Grace of Grammar, but I did notice several places where you're missing a comma. Just as an example - Somewhere in her panic[,]. So, something to keep an eye on. And there was one POV slip... Aqua eyes met hazel eyes. We're in Cordelia's POV. I'm not sure her eye color, but she wouldn't be able to see her own eyes. Otherwise I think it's a great submission. Loved the line - "How do you usually accost them?" Hilarious!

JERRICA: I have to second Lydia on the name thing: Cordelia is one of my favorites, too. It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables :) Lydia is also right about the grammar - there are lots of missing commas and a good amount of typos (missing apostrophes, misspelled or missing words, etc...), so maybe go through with a fine-toothed comb and make sure you got everything, or have someone with a good eye go through your ms before submitting. I know it's only 500 words, and it seems we're coming out of some major action, but I found the first paragraph to be a sort of laundry list of things that are happening with very little emotional involvement from the heroine. Again, this could just be because it might be an awkward place to start, but I would go through and make sure that's exactly how you want it to read - you may find that you can give it deeper POV, if that makes any sense. Other than that, I think it's a great scene. I'd love to see more of your dialog, because I have a feeling that's where you shine. Even in the few lines above, I can tell you give your characters a fun sense of humor and sarcasm :)

GAIL: Thank you for posting and letting us critique your story. I thought the kiss portion of this scene was very well done, but the lead-up to it needs a bit more development. For example with this sentence: "She stopped struggling and looked up to see Tyson Leopold’s face. Tyson suddenly lifted Cordelia off the grass and disappeared into the grove of trees." When she sees his face, she should have a visceral reaction. And then when he puts his hands on her to lift her up, that reaction should intensify. Also, if he "disappeared into the grove of trees" that presents a POV problem. He's carrying her, so she's disappearing with him. So he's not really going to disappear from her sight. All in all, a wonderful scene. I enjoyed the humorous banter.

SAMANTHA: I loved the humor, as some of my partners have mentioned. I also liked the description of his lips being dry and cracked. So not what I was expecting, but what a great image. It made the kiss seem very real. One thing I noticed that distracted me a little was the reptition of certain words, such as ravine, eyes and your characters' names. Maybe take a look and see if you can substitute other words in their place. Thanks for sharing your work with us. I really enjoyed it.

HEATHER: This piece has a rushed feel so perhaps its an early draft of the scene. I would suggest slowing the pace. You move from ravine, to grove, to kiss, to done, far too quickly for me. Lengthen out your descriptions, describe Tysons expression, the sounds and scents. Show me what she sees. Not all and not all at once though. Witty dialogue!

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