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Friday, April 16, 2010

Crit Friday: Love's Broken Arrow (mild language)

Set up: Derek is a cupid sent to earth as punishment.

Derek stepped closer to the center of the road and waved his arms. When he realized the truck wasn’t slowing down, he tried to move out of the way. Shattering pain erupted in his right hip as he flew through the air. “I don’t even have my wings.” He muttered as everything faded black.

Derek struggled to force air into his lungs. Pain pulsed through his body. His left leg was twisted underneath him. Gritting his teeth, he pulled and lined up the shattered bones. Sweat beaded on his forehead with a groan of pain he leaned back in the snow. His muscles jerked as the bones mended themselves. Thankfully, Venus hadn’t made him human or he’d be dead. What kind of lunatic pretended they were a NASCAR driver in a blizzard?

“Oh my god,” a female voice rang in his ears. “An ambulance is on the way. I’m so sorry.”

“As you should be. Where did you get your license, a box of cereal?” He concentrated and pictured a tropical beach. A blast of cold air told him Venus hadn’t taken pity on him even after being run down by a harebrain and restored his relocating powers. He felt cold fingers brush against his cheek. “What the hell are you doing?” He snapped.

“I’m seeing if you’re injured.”

“You ran me down with a tank. I’m amazed I’m not dead. Do you want to get back in and give it another try? Finish me off.”

“You’re not being very nice,” the woman muttered.

“Gee, I’m sorry where are my manners? I’m usually so polite when people try to kill me. Let me introduce myself, I’m Derek,” he forced his eyes open and gasped. Not from the pain but the sight of the angel kneeling over him. The vehicle’s headlights surrounded her in a heavenly glow.

“I’m Maia Meemic,” she brushed the hair from his face. Her touch now lessened the aching pain coursing though his body turning it to something else - desire.

“Oh shit,” he muttered and looked around. Levi stood off to the side just out of the range of the headlights. He smiled and lifted his bow. “This is so unfair.” From the surge in hormones and the overwhelming warm caring feelings, Derek assumed his friend double shot him. Lust and love – a deadly combination.

“I know. The ambulance has to come from Jasper. In this weather it will be at least twenty minutes. I have a blanket from the backseat to cover you with so you don’t go into shock.” Maia rambled, her speech rapid and high pitched. “It’s covered with dog hair, so we’ll have to let the EMT’s know you’re not a werewolf.” A laugh bordering on hysteria filled the night air.

"It’s okay,” he reached up and pushed a strain of long silky hair away from her face. “I’m fine.” He wanted to pull her into his arms, to comfort her, to feel her body against his. Oh hell.

SAMANTHA: First of all, I love this premise and the humor. And his saracasm is great. I chuckled over the NASCAR in a blizzard line, because I live where there is snow all winter. It really slows no one down. I only have a couple of suggestions. One has to do with word order in the sentence "Venus hadn't taken pity on him..." I would probably say, "Venus hadn't taken pity on him by restoring his relocating powers, even after being run down by a harebrain." Next, after dialogue, you'll want to capitalize the next sentence unless it is attributing the words to a certain person, such as he said. Example: "It's okay." He reached up and pushed a strain (strand, I think) of long, silky hair... Thank you so much for sharing. I really enjoyed this humorous read.

GAIL: I enjoyed reading this. Your flawed hero obviously has a challenging character arc in front of him, yet we know it's going to be okay because he got the double dose. Very funny. My only suggestion is the heroine's name. I'm sure it means something very appropriate to the story, but I can't imagine reading it out loud too many times in a row. Thank you for sharing your excerpt with us.

AMY: Thank you for the set up. It really helps to know what is going on. You did well with showing us who Derek is, or was before getting shot ;). The description of his leg being bent, straightening, beads of sweat, etc., was nicely done and I could see him lying there beside the road. I would be interested in seeing more of her and seeing where this goes.

CATHERINE: This is very cute! Derek is really sarcastic, which is something I happen to find very endearing in a character. I was a bit lost at the beginning, though. It wasn't clear to me that Derek was actually hit by the car. It was barreling down on him and he tried to get out of the way, and then all of a sudden he was limping and trying to mend his bones. Also, the heroine's name caused me to stumble a bit, like Gail.

LYDIA: This was hilarious. I loved it. I loved the line about being double shot with both lust and love. I seriously laughed out loud. That is classic. As for suggestions, I saw one or two grammatical things, but nothing major. Wish there was more to read. Good luck!

JULIE: I love this excerpt. What a great, fresh concept for a story. I get an immediate feeling of the hero's voice, and I love his biting saracasm. My only suggestions are to watch repetition of words. I think you repeated the word "pain" several time, and the other suggestion was to rearrange the word order of one of your senteces, but Samantha gave you the same suggestion. Thanks, again for sharing.

JERRICA: I love this excerpt, too! The concept is awesome and so fun. Maybe Greek and Roman gods are the next "thing." :) The only criticism I have is to have someone look at it for grammar. Other than that, it's great, and I wish you the best of luck in getting this published!

1 comment:

  1. I'm really liking the premise of the former cupid! His sarcasm and predicament are intriguing.