Our Pages

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What I Would Change About The Bachelor

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I watch The Bachelor. Overall, the concept of connecting people who are looking for marriage and commitment is not a bad idea. It’s not easy to meet potential spouses in this age. Back in the 1800s, England had a marriage mart for eligible bachelors and ladies. During the season, the ton would gather in London to attend balls, dinner parties and other social events for the purpose of making a match. It wasn’t a secret that by the end of the season every debutante hoped to bring a gentleman up to scratch—receive an offer of marriage. And on The Bachelor it’s no secret that each contestant is hoping the season will end with a proposal.

However, I don’t like a few things about the show. If I hear the phrase “I’m here for the right reasons” one more time, my eyes might become stuck in a permanent eye roll. It has become a Bachelor cliché. How refreshing it would be if someone said, “You know, I’m here for the free champagne and awesome trips.”

There is only one man. The women are crazy about this one man they barely know, to the point of bawling when he doesn’t pick them. It’s okay. You are all beautiful women. You’ll find someone else, a real relationship. Don't cry, please. Do you have any idea how many other girls he's been kissing?

Chris Harrison appearing in front of the camera during the rose ceremony to state the obvious is completely unnecessary. “Ladies, this is the final rose of the evening.” How much do those ladies drink at the cocktail party? Are they seeing double? Is simple math beyond their abilities? There were two roses left on the silver tray, but the bachelor gave out one. Hmm... There were two, he gave out one... Drat! I was never any good at word problems.

It’s not surprising that out of fourteen seasons of The Bachelor only one couple actually got married. (That’s not including the seasons of The Bachelorette.) Critics cite falling in love on camera as the problem for the failure of the relationships, but I think the problems run a lot deeper than a romance unfolding on camera. Helicopter rides, shopping sprees and private concerts are not part of the real world for most people, so is it any wonder the romance seems a bit mundane after the show?

I think to show a truer picture of a mate’s qualities The Bachelor and Survivor should be combined. Test what these contestants are made of. I mean, I want the guy who will help me build a sturdy hut and who can spear a fish. I need a guy who is going to feed me, or at the very least not eat off my plate. I hate that! If he can build me a bamboo car like on Gilligan's Island, that's even better.

But the producers of The Bachelor and Survivor might not agree to combine the shows, so I’ve come up with some challenges to make the experiences on The Bachelor more like real life. After all, does enjoying cliff diving and a catered lunch on a yacht indicate compatibility? I think not!

Here are my ideas for testing how compatible, or incompatible, the couples really are:

1. When the couple is trying to enjoy a romantic interlude in the hot tub, send a couple of kids to do cannonballs into the water. Then have the munchkins crawl all over the couple and blurt out random nonsense whenever they try to talk to each other.

2. Give the couple a project to complete, such as putting up a curtain rod. Then give them a toolbox without a single useful tool for the job.

3. On the night the couple can share a suite, wake them up every two hours with an ear-piercing baby scream then make them go to work the next day followed by another evening and night of the same thing. Now let’s see them enjoy a romantic dinner.

4. Give the lady 30 minutes to complete the following tasks - drop off a violin at school, drive across town to deliver a briefcase with important papers to the bachelor, answer two calls from work in route all while trying to make it on time for a meeting. When she arrives at the bachelor’s office, have him tell her it’s the wrong briefcase.

5. Make the bachelor and lady do taxes together.

6. Have the bachelor receive a call at work from the lady saying she has run out of gas. The bachelor has to find a gas can, bring gasoline to the lady stranded along the highway and stand outside in subzero temperatures putting gas in the tank only to discover twenty minutes later that what she really needs is a tow truck. (Thank you, Sweetie!)

7. Send the couple to a crowded amusement park—don’t close it for them—give them three kids and make them stay there for six hours in the middle of summer.

I’m sure I could come up with many, many more scenarios, so producers of The Bachelor, if you’re interested, give me a call. :)

What is a situation you would place the couple in to test their compatibility?


  1. This is hilarious! I think it's inspired too -- I love all the challenges you've devised, although maybe they are too real for reality TV. LOL It would make "voyeur TV" a lot more fun to watch though. :)

  2. Thanks, Donna! I would love to see the hot tub scene at least. :)

  3. Something tells me a few of these scenarios are from personal experience? :)

    I completely agree! Those dates on the show look wonderful, but they are so far from real life. Of course you're going to think you're falling in love when you're on a beautiful, deserted island! I'd be interested in seeing a show like how you described.

  4. HAHA. How about sending the bachelor on a 'sampling trip' up in the middle of nowhere for 3 weeks away from the woman but leave the woman with a child, a job and a house...(which by the way is going to happen again this May/June so I will have to beg out of on call for awhile:)

  5. How humorous. Only I would also combine it with the apprentice and instead of a rose ceremony, Donald Trump would send the girls home with a hand gesture and a "You're Fired".

  6. Jen,
    I really would like to see a show like that too. I would like to see how a couple works together. Hmm... Maybe I should pitch it to ABC. :)

    Lori...Uh, I mean Annoymous. ;) I think that would be a great test! Will your son ever be old enough to go with him? That would be so fun!

    LOL! I would love to see the girls "Fired". Can you imagine the tears if they were not only dumped but also fired??

  7. I have never watched this show, but your version is hilarious. It's really hard to beat doing taxes as a test of true love. I have a couple of set-ups which are sure to send the bride running, but they're sure to get me in trouble with my beloved. :)

  8. Omg so funny Grace!

    Yes, the absolute worst part of Bachelor is when Chris Harrison comes out of the back and says, "This is the final rose tonight."

    In the Bachelor/Survivor version they could be foster parents. They could put Chris to good use. They could hide him in the house or car:

    When they're running low on gas, he could pop out of the back seat:
    "This is the final gallon of gas."

    When they're at the changing table, he could pop out of the hamper:
    "This is the final diaper."

  9. Erin, I was just laughing so hard I accidentally knocked my head on the wall. I can picture Chris Harrison with his "This is very serious, but I'm about to crack up" smile popping up in my backseat. Thanks for leaving a comment. You just made my day. And gave me a headache. LOL. Not really!

  10. Clarissa,

    I might be in trouble with my beloved too. ;)

  11. No not in trouble. When you're beloved, you get immune to that stuff.(it's me... Mario!)