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Thursday, September 29, 2011

...I'm sorry... What...?

Without going into too many details because (1) it’s just too bizarre to go into and because (2) this isn’t really the appropriate forum for it - yesterday I received the strangest piece of mail I may have ever received in my life. Essentially, it was a handwritten card from the least likely person in the world saying the most bizarre thing ever.

Totally a WTH moment.

Seriously! She sent a card that said THAT to me?

Is it April Fools Day? Am I being Punk’d?

Totally and completely bizarre.

As I read the card to my best friend over the phone – and after we cackled over the absurdity of it – she told me about a card her mother recently received that was also jaw-droppingly bizarre.

And that got us thinking about a completely untapped market out there – Apology Cards for Every Occasion:

* I know I’ve bled you dry over the years, but I think it’s time for you to forgive me.

* Yes, I ran over your sister with my car, but I think we can get past it.

* I know I got you fired, but I’m hoping we can let bygones by bygones. Aren’t you happier now anyway, with all of your free time?

*We're sorry we got greedy and upped your payment. In light of Amazon's Kindle Fire announcement and its ability to live stream, we at Netflix would like to say - Please don't leave us!

* I didn’t mean for your dog to eat my entire box of Godiva chocolates. I’m sorry for your loss, but we’re still cool, right?

* I know I broke up your marriage, but I hope you can forgive me.

* I am sorry we dumped pig's blood on you during prom. But did you really have to burn down the school? You might want to look into an anger management class.

* I am the one who spread that ugly rumor about you and the boss around the office. Sorry.

* I am sorry I robbed your convenience store, but I needed the money for drugs and alcohol.

* I didn’t mean to call your baby ugly in the middle of the church sermon. It just slipped out.

Seriously, an untapped market, right? What do you think would make the most bizarre apology card? I can’t wait to read these responses.


  1. Hahahaha! Love it! But now I want to know who this person was and what she was apologizing for! You're such a tease!! Was she Jewish, by the way? Yesterday was Roshashana so maybe you were on her "repent to" list this year. lol.

    What about… "I'm really sorry I told everyone I thought you were ugly." LMAO!

  2. "I'm so sorry your miscarriage was such a drag...for me. It sucks that I got you fired the same week--but I know you appreciate the time to heal."

    Seriously Ava. I have a million of them this week. DO NOT get me started.

  3. Ha! I've gotten about 4 emails from Netflix in the last few days, and hadn't made the connection. I canceled my membership with them a couple of years ago...before all the big price increases and changes and uproar.

    Let's see...good apology emails. How about

    I'm sorry I told the boss about your recreational marijuana habit. I know you don't really have one, but it was the only way I could get the promotion.

    Sorry I ran over your dog. I thought she was that really annoying stray cat that's always in heat, and I took the opportunity when it presented itself.

  4. Jerrica - I'll give you a clue... One of the examples I gave was the gist of the apology card I received. ;)

    Sarah - You've got the spirit. Go ahead and get started. It's therapeutic, I promise! :)

  5. Catherine - I almost fell out of my chair laughing at your "cards". Hilarious!

  6. Oh - here's one my son could have given my germ-a-phob mother a month ago...

    Sorry, Grandma, for spewing my coke in your face, but Uncle Ryan made me laugh.

  7. I'm just going to say nice job. Otherwise I'll mention my dauthter-in-law.

  8. I'm sorry I shaved a stripe down your head in the middle of the night, but you really shouldn't have made that crack about the dinner I spent two hours cooking.
    I'm sorry I deflated the tires of your car, but you really shouldn't drive so fast past my kids playing the front yard.
    I'm sorry I don't want to set up a play date, but maybe you shouldn't let your kid hit other children with a wiffle bat. Repeatedly.

  9. ROFLMAO. I'm actually sad to say nothing like this has ever happened to me. And that I wish it had so I could share lol. Man I feel left out! These are hilarious btw, keep them coming.

  10. Ava -these are hilarious! Have you seen Bluntcard.com? So funny that I regularly snort coffee out of my nose when reading them...

  11. OMG !! Please tell me the one I think is the real one isn't. Someone definitely deserves the alligator farm treatment.

    Here's one.

    Sorry about all of those sub-prime mortgage rates and speculative trading sending the entire economy down the tubes. But hey, you didn't need to retire anyway. People die when they retire.

    The Banking Industry

    Sorry that I pitched a meltdown hissy fit because my perfect cake wasn't the shade of pink I imagined in my tiny pointed head. But I heard that if you go wacko enough the store manager will let me have my cake for free.

    Freeloading Customer at
    the world's largest

  12. Okay if we're getting into jobs and whatnot, I've got a million LOL.

    Sorry for taking your only day off so that I could go and get my hair done. It isn't like you needed to see your family when you've got such wonderful co-workers here!

    Oh, so sorry for walking into the store five minutes before closing time so that I can spend the next half hour browsing and not buy a thing. It isn't like you needed to go home and eat, I mean who needs all those carbs anyway?

  13. Thinking of a situation a friend, a multipublished author, was in a while back.

    "Thanks for the loan of your manuscript. I made a few minor changes, including the character names and published it under my name. Its going well. I knew you wouldnt miss it."

    Great post, Ava!