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Friday, March 2, 2012

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Hello lovelies! I have a treat for you today.

(No, it's not Hugh Jackman rolled in sugar. Stop that.)

I have for you a peek inside the calm, well ordered fabulousness that is my daily routine. Proceed with caution, and remember...you were warned. 

7am: "What is that noise?! Oh, right, the alarm. Crap."
7:15am: "What is that noise?! Oh, right, the alarm. Crap."
7:17am: "I'm up, I'm up! Sheesh."

7:18am to 8:22am: "Aggh! Get up! Where's your other sock? It's 45F out, you may not wear shorts. Cereal or pancakes? Stop mimicking your brother. No, you may NOT play Wii before school. Why do you have two different shoes on? CEREAL OR PANCAKES?! Aggh! The bus is here!"

8:23am: "Mommy has to get some work done. Dora or Little Einsteins?"
9:15am: "You just had pancakes. You may not have a snack."
9:17am: "Oh my God, fine. Have a snack! I really need to read this tweet/Facebook post/romance author blog post...um...finish writing this scene, I mean."

10am: "Okay, Little Dude- let's get out of here and run some errands/go to the library/park/bookstore/play date. Wait. Why are you still in your pajamas?"

12pm: "I know, you're starving. PB&J or turkey and cheese? No, you can't have candy for lunch...or ice cream...or doughnuts. PB&J OR TURKEY AND CHEESE?!"
1pm: "Still eating? You are the slowest chewer on the face of the Earth. Grapes are not meant to be eaten in four bites."

2pm: "Little Dude, you must nap. You must. Please? Pretty please?! Okay, I'll give you five bucks."
2pm to 4pm (On a good day): "Writing, writing, writing, happy, happy, joy, joy!"
2pm to 4pm (On a bad day): "It's nap time, not play time! Shhh! I can still hear you. Aggh! Why are you not sleeping?!"

4pm to 6pm: "Aggh! The school bus is here! Where's your homework? You ate the chips and fruit, why didn't you eat your sandwich? No, you can't have a snack. No, you can't play Wii, not until Friday. It's Tuesday, God help us all. No, you can't have a snack. Don't hit your brother. Don't poke your brother. Get off your brother's face. Yes, fine! Have a freaking snack!"

6pm: "Hi, dear, how was your day? Wait- never mind, I don't really care. I just want you to run interference so I can get more than two bites in without having to mop up spilled juice/referee a fight/wipe someone's butt."

7pm: "Sweet Baby J, is it 8pm yet?"
8pm: "Good night, I love you to the ends of the Universe and back. You are the very best thing to have ever happened to me, I will protect and love you until the day we part, but for the love of Pete, please, please go to sleep!"

9pm: "Sexy times? Bwhahaha!"
9:10pm: "Okay, sorry, sorry. Go ahead...no, wait. Bwahahaha!"

9:30pm to 11pm or maybe 12am: "Writing, writing, writing, happy, happy, joy, joy!"
3:30am: "Someone wet the bed? Can we just throw a towel over it? No, no, I'm up, I'm up..."

So, that's a typical day for me. 
Despite my dramatic reenactment, I am very happy with my life. I'm lucky enough to be able to stay home with my four year old, and write. Although I'm a classically trained chef, I'm exactly where I want to be, doing what I love best.

 How about you? Do you go to school? Have kids? Work outside the home, from home or is parenting your full-time job? Are you doing what you always wanted to, or has your life taken some unexpected turns? 


  1. I was smiling the whole time I read this! lmao I have two sons, 12 and 14 and believe it or not I STILL say a lot of those things to them. I have been a Stay at home Mom for 15 years now, and have been wondering lately what am I going to do in another 6 years when they are both out of high school and *fingers crossed* living elsewhere?!? (I know I will bawl like a baby) I have not held a job since I was 19, so really who would hire me? I love being a stay at home and wouldn't change it for the world!

    1. Oh, please, oh, please- tell me that they stop fighting so much and now adore each other and everything is calm and peaceful in your house!
      All joking aside, I love being a full-time mom. It's what I've wanted since I was a girl (Gloria Steinem is going to come looking for me now), and even though is can be the toughest gig in the world, I truly love it. Thanks for commenting!

    2. GS would never come looking for you--or she shouldn't. IMHO part of having a choice is choosing to stay at home if you want. I'd like to think she'd agree. :))

    3. True.
      Sadly though, there are usually two expressions I get when I say that I stay at home with my munchkin, despite my "right to choose".

      1) "Really? Oh, you must not have a college education/be smart enough to hold a job."
      2) "That must be lovely, to hang out with your kid all day."

      Umm. Yeah.
      I wish that people would take time to realize that stay at home parents (Dads too!) work just as hard as anyone else, but GUESS WHAT? We don't get sick days, vacation days, lunch breaks, get to leave "the office at the office" or anything else. So when we look at you a little wild-eyed, with peanut butter in our hair and stickers plastered all over the seat of our pants, cut us some slack!
      Am I right, girl? Lol!

    4. My brother is a Stay-at-home Dad, and I am well familiar with that wild-eyed, peanut-butter, sticker butt look. It might have something to do with why he had no doubts at all about me taking the boy to a movie today, even though he had lost his phone numbers in his cell phone, and didn't know who was texting to ask.

    5. Olivia,

      I can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to say that to you. Oh, wait! Yes, I can!!!

      You know what I tell people, I work outside of the home so I can have a break. I'd like to see some of these smarty-pants try being a stay-at-home parent.

      Quite frankly, I think it should be called a work 24/7-at-home parent. There are no mandated 15 minute breaks or lunch breaks. In fact, when I do my social work assessments, I always ask, "Did you work inside or outside of the home?"

      I could keep grumbling, but I'll shut up now.

  2. Olivia ~ your posts always crack me up!!

    Let's see. I work a full time job as a meeting planner and travel manager for a consulting firm. I am a single mother. And I am a full time author. (Seriously, 40 hours a week.) And occasionally I have time to sleep and eat.

    My son is 14 now and your day made me think about when he was younger. What sweet times those were. Now I bark orders like a drill sergeant. "Brush your teeth... with toothpaste." "Please just wash your hair." "Get up and get dressed, we're going to be late." So some things never change.

    1. I have no idea how you do it, Ava! I guess you never know how strong you are until you have to be. You are one of my Mommy Heroes, and I think you're peaches. :)

    2. "With toothpaste." LOL, this made me think of my brothers as teenagers. And it made me sooooo glad that my Monster is still only four. He loves brushing his teeth--WITH TOOTHSPASTE!

    3. There are others, Catherine, like, "Take a shower... and use soap!" Sometimes I think they digress as teenagers. He did what he was supposed to in his younger years.

      My BIL is a dentist so every time we have the toothpaste fight I say "Do you want me to call Uncle Matt and he can explain, yet again, the virtues of toothpaste?"

      But just as I look back at Olivia's post and it made me think about when he was younger, I'm sure in a decade I'l look back and say "I remember when I had to remind him to use toothpaste." and get a little teary eyed. ;)

  3. This post made me grin. It is so my chaotic life to a tee! My husband tells me we should start our own reality show because IT NEVER STOPS! Unlike the Kardashians, we don't make this junk up, yo. :)

    1. For realz. I love it though. I swear, these kids are lucky that I think they're so funny and cute, or they'd never make to junior high...

  4. That sounds like my day. Except my kids are in school so I write from 10am till 2pm. My kids refuse naps now. But I sure could use one come 4pm.

    Oh wait, your kids go to bed at 8pm? Want mine? They are up until 9 and 10. Uggg.

    Oh and don't forget the 'Don't hit your brother' and 'Quit running in the house' comments. I think the 'It'll get better in a few years' comment is a lie perpetrated to make sure the human race doesn't become extinct.

    1. Haha! I think you're right. People always look at the past through rose-colored glasses. Although, my mom always smiles smugly and says "Karma", before walking away. Lol!
      And there are times when mine are still making noise at 10pm, and I'm thinking "They don't sparkle and hardly ever drink blood, why don't they SLEEP?!" Bless their insane, grey-hair inducing little hearts.

    2. I keep telling my hubby that we need to find a way to suck out all their energy and sell it. We'd be rich in no time. And I might get to keep all my hair by the time they go to college.

  5. You got that right, Beth! They get a little older and only replace one humdinger with another!

    I never thought I would go from saying, "Pull your fingers out from under the door, I'll be out of the bathroom in a minute!" to "No, I don't think it's a good idea if you put on a wifebeater and go to a rave!"

    1. OMG, hahaha! Yikes.
      And I was *so* hoping teenagers were better then the 3 to 8 year range. Crap. ;D

    2. OMG, Deb! That is the funniest thing I've heard all day. I completely forgot about your "wifebeater" discussions.

  6. I do not have children of my own, unless you count my cats (see Crazy Cat Lady post from yesterday), but I do have a four-year-old nephew known as The Nephew Monster. I also was the second of five with two working parents, so I well remember the days you described.

    I do work from home, however, and live with my retired father in addition to my two cats. My days sound similar, only it is more like:

    7 am: "Get off my bed to yak up your hairball--I just washed the sheets. Do it on the floor."

    7:15 am: "Blech. I guess you listened. Off to the shower to wash the hairball off my feet."

    7:17 am: "You're going to fall into the shower, and I promise you won't like it."

    7:20 am: "If you would have listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be wet, now would you? Stupid kitten. Grumble grumble."

    7:21 am: "Stop using the furniture as a claw sharpener."

    7:22 am: "Stop using the furniture as a claw sharpener."

    7:24 am: "For the love of pete, would you stop using the furniture as a claw sharpener? Here, want a treat? Maybe that'll distract you."

    And it goes on and on and on...

    1. Pets and children are really very similar. You have to feed them, entertain them and make sure they don't poop on the living room floor. (That has happened. More than once.) So, it makes sense that your kitties are your babies! :D

    2. No, with cats, the poop is on the bedroom floor, right by the closet door. LOL. And the pee goes on the clean sheet that you tossed on the floor right before making the bed. (Sorry, TMI?)

  7. Olivia,

    You had me laughing outloud today. I so remember those days, and bedtime was the worst time of the day! The wetting the bed part really hit home. LOL

    I work outside the home 3 days a week and write the other 2 days. I think parenting is a full time job for everyone. My craziness just begins at 3:30 pm when the kids get home until 8:00 am the next day when they get on the bus. Thankfully, they sleep through the nights at their age, usually. I have heard my son up raiding the kitchen. :)

    1. Oh, Sam- entering the preteen years with your boy? So, that means he'll be imitating a Hoover for the next 8 years, right? Nothing that isn't nailed down is safe anymore....

  8. Olivia - OMG, you and I have the same life!! It's like our lives were separated at birth and now they've found each other again! :)

    I loved everything about this post, including the song by Gotye, which is also one of my current faves, right up there with "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. I think I like that one though because it reminds me of my hero. :)

    1. It's funny- I really love "A Thousand Years" too, but can't stand "Jar of Hearts". The lyrics make me want to bang my head against the wall. Lol!
      Thanks, Marnee, I'm glad it resonated. I think we all just like knowing we're not alone, right? Whether it's kids, cats or obtuse co-workers, we all have those days that make you want to shake your fist at the sky and shout "Really? REALLY?! Is that all you got?!".
      Thankfully, there are many more days that I smile at my kids/family/friends/random people on the street and think "I am so lucky." :)

    2. PS, as I check this blog, my oldest is as Pre-K and my youngest is watching "Einsteins." LOL!! Today's begging of choice? Teddy Grahams, currently nestled in his lap in one of those "no spill" cups that barely works. We're about to play trains.

  9. Wow, Olivia, I had no idea until now how similar our days are! Except for the fact that I have a son and a daughter, it's pretty dang close, schedule and all! Hang in there, I'll be hanging in right along with you.
    Oh, and my daughter begs for milk, for me to blow bubbles until my lung collapses, and wants to sit in my lap and stare at me for two continuous hours each morning. My son has recently discovered paper tearing, and now there are scraps of cardboard and paper all over the house. -sigh- These are the joys of motherhood. But we love 'em.

    1. Isn't it frustrating when they just won't let you do anything, and want to hug and sit in our laps all day...and then it hits you, and you look down into the most perfect face God ever made and think "This little person loves me more than anyone in the world. I am so lucky!" :D It's worth the house looking like a recycling plant, isn't it? Lol!

  10. Oh, Olivia! How is it you are comforting me on twitter?

    1. Hey, us Mommies have to stick together. Pack mentality. Don't separate or they'll be on you like hyenas. "Juice, juice, juice!" Lol...

  11. LOL omgosh, so funny! It's funny because I'm going through two very different drama's in my life as I have a 19yr old (20 this June) who is on the verge of moving out, graduated from High school headed to college and just got his first "big boy" job which he starts in two weeks...I have a 15yr old who's a football player in high school and dating for the first time, getting his driver's permit in March and taking wrestling for the first time in his life...And I have a 4yr who does all of the above and refuses to go #2 in the potty. In between being really depressed that my oldest is all grown up and missing him like crazy to screaming at the top of my lungs for my middle son to watch his mouth and tearing my hair out because I have tried everything to get the little one to go to the potty...I may have lost my mind by now. I have to share custody with my ex hubby with the older two so I get them every other week but then I spend the week without them on the phone with them and missing them like crazy. Sometimes I wonder WTH is wrong with me lol.

    I worked full time up until last November but now I am a stay at home mom. I am very much a feminist but many people get the meaning behind the word mixed up. Feminism is about making the choice that fits your life and not letting anyone influence your decision. Ps. I know plenty of working mom's who're doormats so Olivia, take comfort in the fact that you are definitely in control of your own life. Okay well...somewhat in control of your life if it weren't for those "pesky kids!" LOL.
    I had my first son at the tender age of 16 and I figured that once my oldest is grown and moved out I will have been raising kids for almost forty years of my life. And don't ask me wth I started over because truthfully it wasn't planned lol. At least you'll have that brief moment when they're all moved out where you can enjoy your life a little. I really cheated myself there but it was totally worth it. I wouldn't change a thing about my crazy life. LOL I hope your day goes by a little better today. Good luck to you!

    1. And I see I made several mistakes in that post...please forgive me as I haven't gotten my second cup of coffee yet. That is supposed to say once my youngest is all grown up and moved out. Off to get that second cup as I really need it today.

    2. Coffee- a Writer/Mother's life blood. Heehee...
      I think you're absolutely right, Suzy. I think being a feminist means having the right to choose what is right for you and being in charge of your own life, as a woman. I'm not going to get started on what's going on nowadays because Lady Scribes is not political, but let me just say, I think we need more feminists!
      If I want to go to work and file TPS reports all day, I can. If I want to stay home and play Why-Is-The-Potty-Overflowing, then I will. I think women should have the right to choose exactly how they want their hair to fall out off their head, and no one should be telling them can't, lol....

  12. Hilarious post, Olivia! The "Cereal or Pancakes?!?!" had me cracking up because I can never get a straight answer out of Bella when I ask "Cereal or Waffles." She'll reply with "Cereal," and then, as I've got the cereal box poised over the bowl, say, "Waffle!" Or I'll often get the cute smile and a "Ife fream?" (she hasn't mastered her C sounds yet)

    I'm a work-at-home mom, myself. I have a nanny 30 hours a week, but I also have to squeeze in all the groceries, errands, lunch dates, etc… into those hours, so I have a varied "work week". Since I have all that time sans baby, I try my best to be present with her when we're together. She would rather watch Dora and Diego, so it's not always quality time, but what can ya do? lol.

    All-in-all, I love my life. I know I'm very fortunate to have the life and schedule I have…now we just have to move it to a warmer climate :)

    1. Jerrica, your life is my goal, lol! I'm hoping to get a book contract, so we can afford to put Little Dude in Preschool this coming August. He will be five years old next December- it's time! Plus, if he is in regular preschool, not just the occasional daycare drop-off, I can get more writing done. :)

  13. Very funny. Love "Okay, I'll give you five bucks." My daughter has always responded well to monetary bribes. When she was little if she was ready to bed and in bed on time she got a quarter. Yes, I am raising a banker or a mobster but it saved out sanity.

    1. Sadly, not even monetary bribes can make my kids do something they don't want to! But they respond surprisingly well if I use those gummy "fruit snack" packets, lol...

  14. I loved your post, Olivia!!! You're hilarious!!! And my daughter, a freshman in college, is home on spring break--she saw me watching your Gotye video and couldn't believe I was that cool, LOL!! In fact, she'd never seen that particular video. She showed me a really artsy one for "Easy Way Out."

    Wow. It was amazing. I love finding new music!!!

    You hang in there--you're a great mom!!!

    XOXO Kieran

    1. Aw, thank you, Kieran! I'm glad I could help give you some street cred. *G*
      Thanks for stopping by...XOXO, hugs!

  15. Olivia, your are fantastic and I love reading them. They can turn a bad day into a better day.
    Here goes my day.
    Before 6:40- wake and decide not go back to sleep. I guess read a book.
    6:40- alarm goes off, start thinking about getting Dani up for school
    7:00- put toaster strudel in toaster
    7:10- "Dani wake up and get dress!"
    7:10- 7:45- Go through the list that my daughter needs to do before we can leave for school. eat, brush teeth, brush hair, shoe, backpack together.
    during this time get my son together and out of the crib
    7:45-8:15- Walk Dani to school and meet up with other moms
    8:15- Walk to friends house and stand outside talking with friends.
    9:00-11:30- sometimes walk with friends to the BX or go home. Depends on what happens
    11:45- Pick up Dani from school and walk home
    12:00- feed children
    12:30 -Put Kayson down for nap
    12:30-3:30 quiet it time. Sometimes clean or read or work on a craft project ( in the next 51 days prepare for a move)
    4:30- Hubby comes home and I go for a run.
    about 6:00- try to decide on dinner ( i know I should be more organize but I suck in that department)
    7:30- put kayson to bed, and read Dani her book and have her go to bed
    8:00- time with hubby till whoever falls asleep first

    Okay I know that its not the most exciting life, but I have never really thought of my day.

    1. Oh, my gosh, Melody- what an awesome compliment. You are so sweet.
      Go for you that you manage to get some exercise in there, with the walking. I have a bad case of Writer's Butt, lol! I need to get more active. And craft projects! I am *not* a crafty mom, but I've always wished I was. I just don't have to patience for it. I feel bad, I think Little Dude is deprived but I get bored, lol. Puzzles I can do, though. We do a lot of puzzles!

    2. Olivia- it helps having a girl, since crafts are a girlie then it works. It is my creative out let. Plus I have I have finish projects that need to finished and eventually they will make it to my blog. It sounds like Little Dude and the Professor keeps you busy.