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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Fortunes! Get Your Fortunes Here...

A while back I noticed that fortune cookies had changed. More often they should be called “suggestion” cookies or even “lecture” cookies (who knew my father had started moonlighting), because there weren’t any fortunes to be found. Some of you may have heard me moan about this in the past. It’s a real problem that no one seems to be paying much attention to. No one, but me, anyway.

It’s gotten to the point where I get an attitude before I even crack open my fortune cookie. (I’m sure this surprises no one.) Usually I say something pithy like, “Let’s see what advice they’re dolling out today, ‘cause you know there won’t be a fortune in there.” And 95% of the time, I’m right. But that 5%... that wonderful 5% when I get an actual FORTUNE in a fortune cookie– I get so excited. You’d think it was Christmas or my birthday. That I’d caught a leprechaun or an actual snipe on a snipe hunt.

The other night I had Chinese take out with my good friend Susan as we watched Game of Thrones on my couch. And I got a real, honest to goodness fortune. I got a little giddy because not only was it an honest to goodness fortune – it was the best fortune you could ever hope to get!

“Your fondest wish will come true.” 

Now THAT is a fortune to write a blog about, and it’s had me thinking for days about what my fondest wish is. If I could have one wish granted, what would it be…? I mean there are so many things I’ve wished for, but what is my fondest wish? I’m still not sure.

On a lark, I made Susan go back with me to the same Chinese bistro and beg (read: grab handfuls without asking) for more fortune cookies for this blog. We absconded with 25 cookies, and of our very non-scientific sampling, we ended up with 7 “fortune” cookies and18 “suggestion or lecture” cookies (3 of which were duplicates.)

Here are the fortunes:

“A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection” 

“Be on the alert for a new opportunity” 

“You will soon be surrounded by good friends and laughter” 

“Your kindness is surely to be repaid” 

“Soon you will be sitting on top of the world” 

“A passionate new romance will appear in your life when you least expect it” 


“Your skills will accomplish what the force of many cannot”


Now not all of those are awesome fortunes, but they’re better than these:


“Some like it hot. Eat more Kung Pao.” 
Really?!? This is a sales pitch – it’s not even a lecture cookie.

“Luck happens when hard work meets opportunity.” 
Um – thanks, Dad. 

“Face any problem with dignity.” 
How is that a fortune? A fortune would be “You will face a problem with dignity.” See the difference? I mean it’s not that hard. 

“Set the right example. It will inspire others.” 
My dad must be really busy with this side job of his. 

“The simplest answer is to act.” 
What does that even mean? 


“Success is a journey not a destination.” 
A total lecture cookie that must have been penned from my high school guidance counselor. (Not that I needed a guidance counselor, mind you.) 

Come on, fortune cookie fortune writers! You can do better than that! Right? I mean, I'm sure you can if you try.

Since I think it doesn’t take much to write these, I’m going to try my hand at one now...

“One lucky commenter on this blog will win a free e-copy of THE BETTING SEASON.”

See, that's really not that hard. I don't know why fortune cookie fortune writers have such a difficult time with this. 

Now it’s your turn. Write a real, honest to goodness fortune to be entered into the drawing. (Suggestion and lectures will be tossed aside.) 


Or you can tell me what your fondest wish is, because maybe it'll help me decide what mine is. 


51 comments:

  1. My Eldest has the very same rant every time we get Chinese! You two are scaring me. For some reason he always takes a pic of his 'fortune' and posts it on his FB page.

    Here's one:

    A stranger will soon improve your lot in life.

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    1. Deb ~ LOL! I am *so* glad that I'm not the only one who has noticed the lack of fortunes! (Makes me think I'm not crazy.) BUT I'm sorry you have to listen to both your eldest and me rant about the fact. ;)

      "You will patiently deal with those who are prone to rant"

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    2. I can totally sympathize with both your son and Ava, the lack of real fortunes in "fortune" cookies drives me crazy. So add one more to that list! lol Poor Deb!

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  2. LOL, Ava! Great post. We hardly ever get to eat Chinese food any more, because my daughter hates it. But on the rare nights my husband and I get to order it for Date Night, we often find they've forgotten to give us the cookies! Or that there's no fortune or lecture or anything inside! They're fortune-less cookies. What do you say to that?

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    1. Lily ~ They are completely depriving you of your fortunes! That is an outrage!! An outrage! (Although I might prefer no fortune to "Some like it hot! Eat more Kung Pao".

      Here's my prediction for you.

      "You will demand your fortune and then receive one."

      Delete
  3. Hilarious blog, Ava! I think you were ranting about this very topic on Twitter a couple of months ago. :) I totally agree; I like fortunes. And they are called Fortune Cookies not Lecture or Proverb cookies. ;)

    Here's mine: Someone in your family will say something incredibly stupid or offensive on facebook. ;)

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    1. Marquita ~ I have been known to rant about this particular subject in the past. Grassroots politics here. If we all band together and DEMAND actual fortunes, change will happen. I know Deb's eldest son is with me. Who else? ;)

      Love the fortune! Too funny. (I will not speak to the accuracy of this particular fortune, however.)

      My fortune for you. "You will have a waiter dying to talk to you about being an author." Oh - wait, that was yesterday. ;)

      Delete
  4. I feel the same way, Ava. I once opened a fortune with a message, "You like Chinese food." Oh, thank goodness it told me! I wasn't sure.
    My favorite "fortune" is one I got while dining with my hubs. Cracked it open, all excited to see what wisdom was in store, and found, "You should be of more tenderness and less aggressiveness." What, like I'm not tender?! I'm as sweet as any stalk of Rhubarb. And it's called determined, not aggressive. To this my husband chortled for a good ten minutes. So I TENDERLY gnashed the crap out of my cookie and stole my hub's as well. Stinking fortunes.

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    1. Andris ~ LMAO! That is one of the funniest fortune cookie stories I've ever heard. (Do you think he snuck that fortune in your cookie?)

      For you today: "You will lack tenderness and be all the happier for it."

      Delete
  5. Ava,
    Too funny! We always make fun of fortune cookies, too. Proper grammar isn't even required to write fortunes any more. :)

    I had an idea for fortune cookies after I opened one and thought it said, "You'd be better off dead." What is should have said is, "You need glasses." But then I thought about how hilarious it would be to have a restaurant that gave out insult cookies instead. Well, only if the diners KNEW what they were getting ahead of time. "What were you thinking when you put on that shirt?"

    My kids' friend taught them to add "while wearing Charlie Sheen's pants" to the end of every fortune, and they think that is so funny. My husband and I always mess up and say "in Charlie Sheen's pants". We think that's funnier. ;)

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    1. We always add "in bed" to the end of our fortunes...but they're funny far more often if they're actual fortunes.

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    2. ROFL! I love the idea of insult cookies! That's hilarious! We have a restaurant here in Myrtle Beach that's called "Dicks" where the waiter curses you out and you get to return insult for insult. It sounds great in theory but I foresee great violence if I ever go there so I avoid it lol. There's my fortune for the day: You must avoid all things that may cause violence. =D

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    3. Samantha ~ LOL! "You'd be better off dead" would make for an interesting fortune. I love your idea about insult cookies. They could seriously be a hit.

      I will be laughing about "in Charlie Sheen's pants" the rest of the day.

      Today for you: "You will have great success in creating an insult cookie empire."

      Delete
    4. "...in bed." is the best add-on ever! We laugh so hard when we read them. Just reading some of the worse ones above...

      “Luck happens when hard work meets opportunity...in bed.” This is for all those losers who buy drink after drink until they stumble upon someone from a fresh break-up...

      “Face any problem with dignity...in bed.” Impotency is a big issue among some, they still have their pride, and Viagra.

      “Set the right example. It will inspire others...in bed.” How many porn stars crack open this one and think, "Yes, yes it does!"

      “The simplest answer is to act...in bed.” All women can attest to this one, and they still never catch on!

      And my favorite...

      "Some like it hot. Eat more Kung Pao..." well you get the picture. Every man needs to get this Fortune...

      =)

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    5. Susie ~ That is too funny! And sooo inappropriate! :)

      I would give you a fortune, but I'm afraid you'd just add "in bed" at the end, and then I'd blush! ;)

      Delete
  6. Lol. Love the post. I was wondering did you have permission did you just grabbed the handful and ran out the store. It's been about a month since I've had Chinese food. Ok I'm little sleepy and so originall ideas are not coming to me so I turn to my fortune cookie app. So let me share some pearls of wisdom of the app:

    1. Be handsome, and wondrous happiness will happen with a bang.
    2. Always follow your unexposed dreams. There will be great things fast.
    3. Positive playfulness is the key to true wealth.
    4. Be prepare to accept amazing opportunity

    Amazing words from the app right. Ok the last fortune from a real fortune cookie:
    You will be successful in your work.

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    1. Melody ~ If no one saw us grab handfuls of the cookies, it didn't really happen, did it? There's no proof we absconded with 25 cookies. (We did have lunch there, we just happened to leave with more cookies than we should have. Shhh!)

      How can you "be handsome?" You either are or you aren't right? LOL

      OK for you today: "You will start season 2 of Game of Thrones tonight." :)

      Delete
    2. I believe that will definitely happen. As I said those fortunes came from my fortune cookie app. You crack me up.

      Delete
  7. Ava,
    Whenever my father-in-law comes to visit we always eat at PF Changs. We love the food,but we hate the fortunes because they aren't fortunes! My father-in-law has taken, as a lark, to asking the server to make sure we get actual fortunes. You should see some of the strange looks he gets! Anyway, here goes: You will succeed at your dream by the end of the summer! This is my fortune for myself.

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    1. Julie ~ So your father-in-law is cool with joining our grassroots "Bring Back the Fortunes" campaign, right? I can imagine the looks he gets when he asks the servers for "actual" fortunes.

      Your fortune today: "Wonderful things are right around the corner for you."

      Delete
  8. OMG, Ava, you've got me busting a gut here...because I gripe and moan every time I go to a Chinese place and get a so-called "fortune" cookie that isn't really a fortune. We really are too much alike for our own good.

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    1. LOL, Catherine! We are a force to reckoned with whenever we're together.

      Here's your fortune for today: "Your kitten will be with you until the end of time."

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    2. NOOOOOO!!!! I do not like this fortune. LOL. Dakota might love it, but I am not so fond of it. She keeps giving hints that she's growing up and becoming a cat instead of a kitten, and she's the first one I've ever had that I wished it would happen sooner. Most of them, I wish would stay kittens forever.

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    3. You gotta stop leading with certain facts about Dakota. :)

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    4. Wow, Ava - that was just mean!! Don't worry, Catharine, somebody is going to lay eyes on that cat and decide they can't live without it. Preferably someone who needs help turning lights on of ;)

      Ava? You will be plagued with non-fortune fortune cookie for the rest of time. So there :P

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    5. She loves that cat! Don't let her tell you any differently. (Besides if she *really* wanted to be rid of her - she wouldn't lead with all of Dakota's flaws. Someone might snatch her up, and then Catherine would miss her.)

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    6. I've been reading along, laughing, enjoying this fabulous blog. And then I bump into Catherine's comment about being like Ava. it's the first time I've been grateful for the prairie separating us. And to think you'll soon be living within shouting distance of each other. It strikes fear in my very sturdy heart. Dare I ever visit NC again? Two of you in the same state? One thing I know for sure - when I come to visit we're going out for Chinese food and a fortune cookie splurge. We can eat our way through until we find the perfect fortune.

      Delete
  9. LOL I love this blog! I've been eating Chinese food since I was a young girl with my parents. We made it a weekly thing and now I'm the only one in my family who loves it, so I don't get to go as much anymore. But I can remember almost to the year when they changed from "fortune" cookies to "lecture" cookies. I was ten and I received my first lecture cookie and I griped the entire way home until my dad told me he had a fortune for me "You will go to your room until you can stop ranting about fortune cookies."

    Ha, I quit ranting out loud but I silently stew now every time I go to a Chinese restaurant.I am so glad I am not the only one!! We should totally start a petition for "real" fortune cookies!

    Here is my fortune for the day: "You will remember to smile today and it will make you happy."

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    1. Suzie ~ There are a number of us that this annoys! If we band together and tell them we will not accept lecture cookies any longer, they'll have to make a change, right?

      Here's your fortune: "You will be busy today and make serious headway on your current project." :)

      Delete
  10. My mother and I just had this conversation, at PF Changs the other day, about fortune cookies not having fortunes.

    "The simplest answer is to act.” Cracks me up. I think it may be my motto for today.

    Here is my fortune offering, complete with lucky numbers."You will find hidden wealth today. 16,5,36,77,3,23 "

    Fun blog.

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    1. Gayle ~ Hidden wealth would be awesome! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has noticed this, though no one seems to be talking about it.

      For you: "Your day will be better than you hoped for."

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  11. I hate getting non-fortune cookies and I loved this blog. It is crazy that one little thing can be so disappointing. And, those lucky numbers printed on the other side aren't lucky either. On a lark we bought a lottery ticket with those numbers. So, not only did we not get a fortune but we wasted a dollar - lol.

    My fortune: "Your fondest wish will be revealed to you and you will know great happiness."

    I am pretty sure your fondest wish is spending more time with you critique partners - LOL. Nope, that isn't it? Okay, it was worth a shot.

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    1. Jane ~ Are my critique partners coming to North Carolina...??? No? Way to deflate my excitement!

      So funny that you played you "not-so" lucky numbers.

      For you: "You will watch Johnny Depp's Pirate's movies for inspiration and courage."

      Delete
  12. I agree. I've been complaining about this situation for some time. Laws should be enacted to correct this situation. Every fortune cookie should come with an honest-to-gosh fortune. And every tenth one should be a little crazy.

    "Cleaning house will bring great misfortune in the next few days. Love your dirt, and live."
    "That handsome, wealthy man who's ignoring you? Secretly he lusts for you and will welcome an overt display of affection. Plant a big wet one on him."
    "Call the CIA immediately and tell them that Black Bird is in deep hiding but safe. You will be rewarded for forwarding this information."

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    1. LMAO, Carol! Hilarious fortunes! I just had the whole movie Three Days of the Condor flash through my mind. I will *not* be calling the CIA to tell them anything about Black Bird. ;) Nor will I be planting big wet ones on handsome, wealthy men. Hanging around you will get a girl in trouble.

      For you today: "You will be a bad influence on someone and they'll love you for it."

      Delete
  13. Hmm, a fortune. A New Job is on the horizon. LOL I can't think of anything. But I do know there are many many people out there who need a job. And my fondest wish is that my sons grow up to be Good men and that they are happy in whatever they choose to do.

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    1. Rhi ~ Your fondest wish is so sweet. :)

      Today your fortune is: "You will make someone very happy today."

      Delete
  14. Fabulous post, Ava.

    For you: You will be a NY Times best selling author.

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    1. LOL. L.J. ~ Flattery will get you everywhere. :)

      For you: Everly Gray will be a household name.

      Delete
  15. My fortune:
    You have the admiration of those you most admire.

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  16. "You shall be eaten by a shark." A fortune that makes you want to stay away from beaches.

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    1. LOL Erica! I would stay FAR away from the beaches if I got a fortune that said that.

      Delete
  17. I'm Asian & fortune cookies aren't something you find in restaurants here. Why are they the norm in other geos?

    A fortune I would really want is "You will win every giveaway you enter". Hah!! Howzat for lucky? I wish....!

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    1. Linda ~ I have no idea why we have them here, but we like having fortunes in the cookies. ;) "You will win every giveaway you enter" would be an awesome fortune!

      How is this one...? "Your lucky day is just around the corner."

      Delete
    2. LOL, Linda!

      May your fortune come true. :)

      Delete
  18. You will receive what you wish for.

    bn100candg(at)hotmail(dot)com

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  19. BN ~ That would be a good fortune to receive. :)

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  20. I hope that my fortune would read:

    "You will have many happy moments and build fond memories in your new home."

    The problem with having your fondest wish come through, means that only one wish is guaranteed!! Making only one wish is tough!

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    1. I know, MIchelle. I don't think they whole "My fondest wish is to have more wishes" would work. ;)

      Delete
  21. Congratulations, Erica Monroe!

    You won the e-copy of THE BETTING SEASON. Send me an email at ava(at)avastoneauthor(dot)com.

    ReplyDelete