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Thursday, June 7, 2012

The secret to happily ever after

I read that couples' personalities converge over time to make partners more and more similar. 

So true ya'll--I used to be an organized, even-tempered, shy gal.  My husband’s overbearing personality leached it out, leaving me to walk around in a 50 shades of rage haze.

I can't even type that with a straight face.

After being married 10 years (celebrated that milestone on May 24th, thank you very much), I know every facet of my husband’s personality. The very shirt he chooses in the morn broadcasts his mood in technicolor.  

So how do you keep a marriage exciting when you're comfortable enough to share bathroom habits?

Psst! Come on over here…yeah, you…lean in, real close…

My husband, the ex Army Ranger, the current Police officer, has this delicious pet peeve that makes me tingle all the way down to my pink tipped toes. I try to resist, really, I do, but  it beckons me better than an all you can eat cheesecake buffet!

He hates when I sneak up on him. 


Here's how it's done:

Creep up behind your unsuspecting prey, all stealth and agility…. Sometimes I crawl so he doesn’t see my shadow…

A river in the house is super handy for such missions


I'm willing to go so far as to smother myself to keep from chortling my glee...And then, when I’m certain he’s engrossed so deep he wouldn’t notice a cattle-prod enema, I pounce/grab/poke him with a loud, snorting growl--practice this in advance for just the right pitch.

This is before I startled him. The after picture was too terrifying.
Kangaroos give his performance a perfect 10!

That Bear, he can really jump.
Now, pay close attention because here's where things get sticky.

GET OUT NOW!

Warp speed, Mr. Zulu!
Don't hesitate! You can enjoy your handiwork when you're safely ensconced in an underground bunker with a thumbprint keypad. If your husband has the lightning quick reflexes mine does, you might want to pre-lock the doors and yank them shut behind you on the way out. Trust me—I’ve been caught too many times to count and it’s not pretty.

What? Don’t purse your lips at me. You think he’s an innocent victim here, don’t you? No, no, no. He started this hot mess of one-upmanship.


He walks by, all casual and nonchalant, maybe even tosses me a kind word or two to put me at ease, then BAM!

Kamikaze nuts!
He springs faster than a starving Hellhound, forcing me to partake in his hillbilly wrestling match. Given his background in hand to hand combat, I can do nothing but endure being twisted into a pretzel of submission as he calls all three kids over to jump on the dog pile. 
Honestly, it's taught me more patience than anything else in my life because while I wait, silent and stoic, I plot my next attack...

So my advice for a spicy, long-lasting marriage? Hunt each other like wounded animals. Works for us.

21 comments:

  1. Ha! I can so totally see you doing that, Andris!

    And I can't wait to meet your dh!

    Thanks for sharing the secret!

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    1. Too funny. And very timely as today is my 32nd anniversary. We like to "get" one another too. All in good fun of course. Our first apartment was crap. He'd turn the sink on while I was in the shower and freeze me. So, one day while he was in the shower, I stood on the toilet seat and dumped a whole bottle of ice cold catsup (ketchup) over his head while making stabbing noises al-la psycho. He screamed like a girl. lol!
      Yep, fun scares and gotcha moments work for us too. ;-)
      Belated happy anniversary to you.

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  2. Deb,
    I cannot adequately express my joy at doing this, made all the more delightful by his ire. Teehee!

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  3. Andris -

    Where were you 42 years ago when I got married? Over the years the best trick I've learned is to not actually listen to what any male is suggesting whether it's my husband or one of my sons (not even one daughter to help me out) is to just nod and then completely ignore anything they say!

    I've also found out the handing them a piece of pie, cake or a still warm just out of the oven cokie makes them forget what they were saying anyway and they don't even realize that I don't make them scratch anymore! Thank you Betty Crocker!

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    1. Jeanne,
      Well, darn it, 42 years ago I was still 7 years from birth. Sorry to be so late! Lol.
      I wish my husband was so easily distracted, but he knows when I'm not paying attention (the glassy-eyed daze is hard to hide), and will reiterate until he's satisfied I got the message. I should've married someone one more like me--flighty & easily distracted by shiny objects--you know, a mermaid. Bahaha!

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  4. Who knew??!!?!??? LOL. I will have to see this in person sometime. (And is it common for people in your neck of the woods to have a river running through the house?)

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    1. As much as I would love to share this experience, my hubs would so not be down with that. Lmbo! Last year I posted a video of him scaring the crap out of me--I was walking in front of the car and he honked the horn. Rotten. I jumped a mile and shot him a I-hope-your-brain-explodes-this-instant kind of look. However, the funny part was his laugh--he was wheezing as if all the air had been sucked from the car. Anyway, I posted that to youtube for all my family to see and the hubs took it down. So, um, this long, rambling diatribe was merely to tell you he doesn't like to be recorded. Snore bore!
      I don't recommend a river in the house, but if it helps in the stealth missions, I'm all for it digging a ditch. Lol.

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    1. Sonja, you should totally test my instruction manual here and post the results (preferably video!) on your pintester. Just don't make mention of my name--I don't want your husband coming after me. ;}

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  6. Andris, thank you for my morning laugh! That was hilarious!

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    1. You're welcome, Lily. I aim to please! ;}

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  7. Andris,

    Y'all crack me up! I think the real secret to a happy marriage is having fun at each other's expense. ;D

    My husband - an ex high school wrestler - loves to toss me around, put me in head locks, etc. And everyone in the family HATES his tickles. He has fingers like dull knives! And I'm so sweet to him!?! Now I see where I've gone wrong.

    Retaliate! Retaliate! Retaliate! That's my new motto!

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    1. Samantha, Oh my goodness, it's the same with our kids! They see him coming with that I'm-gonna-snack-on-your-bones look and they ward him off! "No, daddy! Stay away!" They hate it!
      That's right, Samantha, if you take anything away from this sage advice let it be to GET EVEN!! Bahahaha!

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  8. Can't stop laughing, Andris! I love this blog post! I think the secret of a happy marriage is find your potential husband while you both are young, then uh, train...I mean encourage him to be the perfect husband before marrying him. ;)

    Just kidding!

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  9. Marquita,
    I thought I had him trained in the early stages of our marriage. Clearly, he fooled me. Sneaking up on him is my payback! Lol.

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  10. Oh my gosh Andris, you seriously was dying with the part of you dropping to the ground and crawling. The funniest thing is I can totally picture you doing this. If you had the resources and money you would be having a river in your home. However, my husband will come and scare me. Not cool. And sometimes when I'm reading he will come along and pounce on me. Husbands. Love your blog and may you have many opportunities to have a successful mission.

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    1. Hi Melody! I really do slink across the floor on my belly when the occasion calls for it. The greater the lengths I go to sneak, the more it honks him off--totally worth it! Yeah, my husband likes those annoying pounce-on-her-while-she's-enjoying-the-quiet thing too. What happens next? They're all pouncing and roaring, having a high ol' time. There goes my quiet.

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  11. Aww. Poor Daddy Bear! *quickly tries to smother snorts of laughter*

    I share your philosophy, actually. I tend to smack, poke and whack my husband constantly, like every time I walk by him... I'm really annoying. :)

    Best move ever? Wait until he's sleeping, perhaps it's 2am or so. The house is silent, everyone's down for the night, Bear is snoring peacefully next to you. Lean over, place one hand lovingly on his shoulder...and give 'em a good little smack on his cheek! I guarantee AT LEAST 15 minutes of hilarity. (Granted, it's all one-sided, but it's really, really funny!)

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    1. Yeah, he got a back luck of the draw with me. ;}
      Are you out of your mind?! No way am I waking a sleeping Bear with a smack! Do you forget he's proficient with guns?! In his sleep-dazed mind, he'd probably think me a robber or murderer and blow my face down my throat! I so do not wish to wake up dead. :]

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  12. ROFLMAO! We totally pounce on each other in this house, too! It's so much and I think you may be right about the it being the secret to lasting affairs. My first marriage ended because we NEVER did the pounce-fun-laugh your butt off-maneuver. I'm all for keeping him on his toes so I'll have to try the river in the house trick.*Looks around for some shovels* Anybody got any dynamite?

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    1. Suzie,
      YeS! I do think the ability to have fun is the key to marriage-especially at his expense. Teehee! Oooh, dynamite...gives me ideas...;}

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