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Friday, July 13, 2012

Don't Read This Blog...

No, really. If you have something else that needs your attention this morning/afternoon/evening, don't let me keep you. The less people who bear witness to my complete meltdown the better.

I swore I was not going to write this blog. I was not going to. Nope. It was not going to happen. Because I am not going to admit *this* awful thing to anyone. In fact, I want to find a corner, rock back and forth, chanting to myself, hoping to find a Zen state and never tell a soul what has happened. No one should ever know this ugly truth. No one.

But blast it all, my blog is due NOW, and… Well, I can’t think of anything else to write. Because this ugliness is all I can think about at the moment. Which is just awful. AWFUL, I tell you!

I suppose I should start off with admitting that I am a complete girl. There’s no shame in that. I like to wear dresses and high heels, have my nails done and be completely pampered on a fairly regular basis. Being a girl is nice most of the time. That doesn’t mean I’m weak. In fact, a lot of you know I have a reputation for being tough as nails. There’s not a *person* alive that I won’t take on and hold my own against in a verbal interaction (I’m not so much into the physical, which isn’t really an issue. I can usually do all the necessary damage with my acerbic tongue, but I digress.)

Where was I?

Yes - there’s not a PERSON I can’t handle. Creepy crawly things… spiders, snakes, insects, rodents… That’s a completely different situation. I don’t care how big, what color or what genus they belong to. I don’t like creepy crawly things, and there are no exceptions. You brave people out there may think I’m crazy, but I don’t much care what you think about the situation. I don’t like them. Not at all. Here’s why:

(1) They make me jump on couches, chairs, or low hanging branches and scream like the girl that I am.
(2) My natural defense doesn’t work against them. They don’t much care how acerbic my tongue can be. I can tell those things off all day and all night, they’re still going to beat me in the end, because they don’t understand my wit and they don’t speak English.

Now that all of that is out of the way… Two weeks ago, my twelve year old cat who has spent most of her dozen years chasing rabbits and birds, left a dead mouse at the bottom of my staircase. She has never *NEVER* in the dozen years she has lived with me ever caught a mouse. In fact, it has been a point of contention between her and I over the years.

Once I spotted a field mouse climbing the brick on the outside of my house. My cat was right beneath it, just watching. Not shaking her tail end, ready to pounce or toy with the thing… just watching the blasted mouse with no desire to do anything else. Lazy, good for nothing cat. I had to kill the mouse myself with the business end of a shovel as I – yes – screamed like a girl.

Anyway, I was more than shocked that she’d killed an actual mouse, and I prayed she’d brought the thing in through the dog door from outside. I didn’t want to even consider that I had one of those things living in my house. I still don’t want to consider that possibility. And if you make me do so, you’ll have to institutionalize me. That possibility is not on the table.

So yesterday, I headed home for lunch in the middle of the day since my son’s summer program this week allowed for a midday break, and it was an opportunity for me to spend a little bit of time with him during the day. It also afforded me the opportunity to throw in a load of laundry in the middle of the afternoon and get a jump on my weekend chores. After lunch with my son, I went to collect a towel I’d left on my bed that morning to throw into the wash.

And do you know what I found…? Yes, my heart rate has just gone through the roof at the mere memory.

A dead mouse placed beside the tv remote on top of my comforter. A freakin’ dead mouse! A dead MOUSE on my freakin’ bed! Why is the cat doing this to me?  Twelve years of no mice and now two in as many weeks?!?!

I did have an honest to goodness panic attack. I hyperventilated and it took me a good while to actually catch my breath. I would say you should have heard me, but you wouldn’t have been able to understand a word that came out of my mouth. My voice was so high, I sounded like Minnie Mouse on helium. And – no – that irony is not lost on me.  

So I have an exterminator coming first thing this morning because I couldn’t bribe or pay him enough to come out yesterday. Stinkin’ moral exterminator! And I am praying that he will tell me that my cat has become sadistic, that there is no community of mice who have take up residence in my walls and that she is plotting my downfall by bringing these loathsome creatures into my house and leaving them for me to find in the hopes that I’ll have a heart attack and she can take over my place as head of the household. But if the opposite is true, if I have *gasp* actual mice under my roof… You may never hear from me again.

I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that. I will lose my mind and be placed in a sanitarium somewhere. I cannot have mice. I simply cannot. That is unacceptable.

But if my cat has become sadistic after a dozen years, what am I going to do with her? We can’t go on like this. We just simply cannot.

I don’t know if I feel better having written all of this out or not. And if any of you breathe a word of this horror to anyone… I’ll hunt you down and let you experience my acerbic tongue for yourself, which is quite frightful, I’ll have you know.

So now that the threats are out of the way… Have any of you ever had critter stories you’re willing to share? Misery, after all, loves company. 

37 comments:

  1. Ack! You poor thing! On your BED?

    You already know my latest cat/mouse story...I was working peacefully on the deck and the cat happily trots across the yard, comes up next to me...and drops a live mouse near my feet.

    I'm sure you heard the scream. My valiant husband and eldest son did. They also witnessed the dance of terror. They are still laughing.

    You also know my suggestion for your solution--you need to get rid of that danged dog door...

    Good luck today!

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    1. Deb ~ I do recall an ear piercing scream from the next town over a few weeks ago. :) Your husband and son are still laughing...? My son is too. He spent the rest of the day/night talking about rodents just to set my nerves on end. He's a mean teen.

      As for the dog door... I don't know what to do. The poor dog is part American Eskimo. Don't ask me why someone bred a dog with that kind of coat in the south, but they did. Since I'm gone all day long at work, I hate the idea of him being stuck inside or out. He really enjoys his freedom to come and go. Though he can only go as far as the laundry room as the rest of the house is blocked off when we're not home.

      Just praying the exterminator has good news for me and perhaps the phone number of a feline shrink.

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    2. Yeah, dog doors seem to invite cats to bring you "presents." Just sayin'.

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    3. Cat ~ I like my "presents" left outside. If I had "presents" left outside, I would love all over her. Tell her what a wonderful cat she was until she was tired of hearing it. I don't do "presents" inside. I just can't.

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  2. LOL I can't help but laugh, but only because I can feel your pain.
    10 years ago, I lived with a group of friends in an old gorgeous house. My room was in the spacious finished basement. I thought I had scored, due to the fact my room was so huge.
    Now, we did know we had mice and growing up with them in my parents country house, I didn't fear them. I used to want a pet mouse when I was a kid.
    Until that fateful night in 2002.
    I went to bed after a busy day and fell asleep, and IN MY DREAM I felt something in my hand, and I closed my hands around it. I woke up at the point when what I was holding viciously squirmed as I tightened my grip and I looked to see I was HOLDING a mouse!!!!!!!! I screamed and threw it against the wall and ran into the bathroom screaming and jumping, waking the house. I could NOT scrub my hands enough. Needless to say, that was the start of a huge fear of rodents! It turned out our house had been infested and because MY bedroom was under the kitchen, it was the main gathering spot. I laid a minefield of all kinds of traps and sticky paper...after catching seven mice in ten hours, I just decided to sleep at my boyfriends house. Our landlord wouldn't do anything but buy us traps. We did NOT renew that lease. I have NEVER been able to handle mice again. The thought of having one in bed with me is more than I can handle. If I hear them in the walls, I flip. On a side note, we did end up buying our daughter a hamster... who is the only rodent I can tolerate, and even than, Miss Chippy and I have a standing agreement we ignore each other and it's nothing personal.

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    1. OMG Reenie! That is the worst story ever. That was 2002? A decade later, I'd still be trying to scrub my hands. That is just awful. AWFUL! I'm so sorry. I would have slept at my boy friend's too, if I was you. In fact, I seriously considered sleeping at a hotel last night.

      I am throughly creeped out. I may never be un-creeped out. ;)

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  3. Ava,
    I share your despise of creepy, crawly things. I went on vacation to a beautiful chalet in NC, but the second night when I heard mice scurrying above my head in the wall where the reasonable side of my brain knew they couldn't get me, I was ready to pack my bags and go home. Good luck with the exterminator and the doggy door!

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    1. OMG, Julie! I would have been out the door and sleeping in the car. I'm not kidding. I haven't heard anything in any of walls, but I'm not the most observant person. (That's part of my charm, or so I tell people.)

      How long did you stay at the chalet and have you had to seek therapy in the days/years since?

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  4. Ava,
    I don't want mice in our house, but our subdivision is built on old farm land. Everyone has issues with mice coming inside in the fall. We just set traps to catch the few that get in and that's it. Otherwise, the dog and cat are good mousers. In the beginning, I used a live trap and drove them a mile from the house and released them. LOL. (I'm sure I'll hear you squealing when you read this.) The trap stopped working, so now we use death traps, but I feel sorry for the little things even though I don't want them inside. They just want a warm place to sleep. Bugs are a different story. They get smashed without mercy, and sometimes an evil cackle. I hate those things!

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    1. One of the houses I lived in was like that. Every year when the cold weather hit, the field mice made their way inside. We tried the traps, but they kept coming. Then we put poison around, and that took care of them. Of course, we didn't have any pets at the time. I am way more cautious about using poison now that I've got cats.

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    2. Sam ~ You are the only person I know who would use a live trap. You're too freakin' nice! Have I ever told you that? Rhetorical, of course - as I know I have told you that on more than one occasion.

      My rule is this... critters of all sorts live OUTSIDE. And I won't bother them outside, because that's their home. But INSIDE is *my* house and if you come into my house uninvited, it's on. Prepare to die. No live traps, no nicely sending something on it's way. No, no, no. Dead. Just as fast as I can kill or have it killed. You want to live, stay outside.

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  5. Last fall my son found a mouse in our pantry. Live, running around, squeaking mouse. I stayed in my room and promptly ignored the men who were trying to catch said mouse 'humanly'. They put a metal mixing bowl over it and then called the exterminator to make sure no other friends came along for the jaunt inside the house. This was my first mouse outside of a pet store and I hope it's my last.

    We found a hole to the exterior and hubby stuffed and patched it. So no more mice inside with us. (Yes, I did go on a cleaning spree in the pantry once the 'excitement' died down). Ugg.

    Oldest son wanted to know when he could catch another mouse. It was fun. Bleh. Boys are weird.

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    1. OMG, Beth! I would have had a heart attack right then and there. LIVE? Oh for heaven's sakes!!! That is just unacceptable. Every time I walked into the kitchen after that point in time, I'd have a flashback and a mini-panic attack.

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  6. LOL, Ava, I'm still laughing from hearing you tell me this over the phone last night. I'm so sorry that it happened...but I think it's hilarious, at the same time. :)

    My cats are likewise useless when it comes to catching and killing rodents. You'd think, with all the training we do in the house (playing fetch, wrestling toy mice, etc.) they'd be more adept at it. Not so much. It all becomes a game to them. One of my former cats was a very good mouse hunter. The problem was that once she caught the mouse, she proceeded to play with it for hours like the "toy" it was, until I was able to get it away from her and whack it repeatedly with a shoe.

    At least my current cats are good at catching bugs. We've never had a bug problem where I live, and I owe that at least partially to the diligence of my cats. :)

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    1. Cat! I couldn't believe you were actually laughing at me. Between you and my son, I'll get some sort of complex. ;)

      Texas bugs are the worst! The absolute worst! If you have a cat that keeps those suckers at bay, keep those cats.

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  7. Ok Ava, mice don't really scary me, but I'm sorry about your critter problem. I hope that it will be taken care of soon.

    However, I can't stand snakes. I mean I really can't stand snakes. They seriously freak me out. I mean you never know if they are poisonous or not. I'm not going to take the time to figure out if they are safe to touch. Another thing I freak out when there is a dead snake in the road. Granted it has been dead for sometime, I still can't go over it, because of my over-active imagination will picture that snake rolling up in the car coming home with me and wreaking havoc on my peace of mind. Did I mention that its already dead? Egads not fun at all. Just thinking about them makes me wig-out. So, I completely understand.

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    1. Melody ~ I *hate* snakes. Hate them! Years ago my mother was moving from one house to another and I decided to pick up take out since the kitchen was still packed.

      Anyway, I went to 7/11 to get some cold 2 liters, paper plates, etc. With my arms full and headed to the cash register, I slipped on something. I turned around and saw that I had tripped on a freakin' snake that was in the middle of 7/11. YES - my heart has stopped at the memory. I mean a snake INSIDE the 7/11.

      So I rushed to the cash register, barely able to breathe. "There's a sn-sn-snake!" and I pointed in the direction of the awful thing. The old lady behind the counter says "Oh, the poor thing" and then went and picked it up and LET IT GO OUTSIDE!

      WTH?!?!?! Really? A snake inside should be killed on site. ON SITE! And she put it outside where I have to now walk to get to my car? I thought I was going to kill her!

      I don't mind running over dead snakes with my car. I like to feel that if they weren't quite dead, I gave it the death blow. ;) Of course I scream like a girl as I drive over it.

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    2. I ran over a HUMONGOUS black snake once. It was so big we heard its spine crack. I about died, right there at the wheel. I shudder now, just to think of it. The kids thought my creep out was hysterical, and promptly started singing "We ran over a snaaake, We ran over a snaaaake!" Now, 6 years later, whenever they want to creep me out, they sing that song!

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    3. OMG, Deb! That is beyond creepy. I think I heard it's spine crack just in the retelling and my face is now all pinched because of it. Ugh!

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    4. Deb, that would creep me out until the day I die.

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  8. LMAO! "The business end of the shovel" I don't know which part of all this I find funniest. So sorry to laugh...you're just such a good story teller ;)

    I *am* sorry you seem to have a critter problem...or a cat problem...I guess it's yet to be seen which one it actually is. LOL!

    Having lived in Manhattan for many, many years, I am NO stranger to creepy crawlies. I'm okay with the furry ones -- not that I want them living in my house -- but I'd prefer that to roaches. Which we had plenty of in our ancient, pre-war, 5th-floor walk-up in Harlem. If anyone wonders about our obsession with new construction, that should explain things.

    The roaches had really taken over by the time we left and I couldn't take it anymore. There was a cabinet above the kitchen counter where there must have been a colony. Whenever one would die, they would push it out so it would land on my counter. My *kitchen* counter. At which point, Eric would yell out in his best Monty Python voice, "Push out your dead!" Thanks, honey. Now come clean up the roach carcass so I can make dinner.

    Oh, and one time, one of them nested under my dish drain. I lifted it up to wipe it down one morning, only to discover about 1,000 baby roaches running around. Yes, I dry heaved. And then I flushed every last one of those mother f*****s down the toilet. And then we moved to a brand new high rise about a month later. No creepies here!!! :)

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    1. Jerrica ~ I just dry heaved too! OMG! That is so awful. 1,000 baby roaches? I would have nightmares the rest of my life. I'm not kidding. In fact, I may have nightmares now just thinking about your old apartment!

      I completely support your need/desire for new construction. :)

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    2. Hahaha! Thanks for your support. I knew if anyone supported me, it would be you :)

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  9. Bahahahahahahahahahah! *pause to catch breath* Bahahahahahahahaha! *clears throat* I mean, I feel for you. Bahahahahahahaha!

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    1. You weren't supposed to comment, Andris, unless you had a critter story. :) You just came her to laugh at me. Waaaa!

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    2. Oopsy-poopsy! Did I break a rule? Huh. Where might I have learned that from...not anyone I hang out with...Teehee! I shall strive to never break another rule. ;]

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    3. Ha! I hope you're not blamin' the rule breaking on me! I'm pretty sure you've been doing that long before I met you. :)

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  10. Can someone please tell me WHY I read this while eating lunch? GROSS!!!

    Poor thing, Ava. You have my sympathies forever.

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    1. Good heavens, Marquita! Why did you read this while eating lunch? Why didn't you stop?!?!?!

      Now you have my sympathies forever.

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  11. Our cat Charlie (aka Attila the cat) was the neighborhood hero last year when we were overrun by chipmunks gleefully filling our cars under the hood with acorns.

    My neighbors lured Charlie into their yards to "take care" of the pesky creatures by putting "cat treats" on their steps so he would come and "take them away" and carry them back to our house to "dispose" of them. Picture them deposited DEAD on my porch when I got home from work! Now picture me scooping them up with a shovel and depositing them in a trash can each night!

    Fortunately I was the mother of grown sons who thought that "creepy crawly" things were fun when they were younger so I had lots of practice with the wiggly crawling things of all kinds!

    Just give me a call the next time you need anything "disposed" of and Super Mom will come calling to help out!

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    1. Jeanne ~ Good to know!! Are you near North Carolina??

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    2. Ava -

      We live in Rhode Island but travel down to South Carolina all the time to see my younger son, his wife and our 3 grandchildren who live just outside of Columbia.

      Let me know if you'd like to "borrow" Chsrlie and I'll bring him along the next time and drop him off to "dispose" of your critters!

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    3. Jeanne ~ Thanks! I'll be sure to let you know. :)

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  12. Not a big fan of cockroaches, no problem with bees, snakes, toads, frogs mice, bats, turtles...you get the idea. Actually, people tend to be a little more frighting to me than critters.

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    1. Judy ~ You are soooo brave! It is much easier for me to be around people. Even people I don't like. Tell them off once and they leave you alone. Bees, snakes, toads, frogs, mice, bats, turtles! I am in awe. Truly in awe!

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    2. LOL -- Right back to you regarding people. Critters are relatively simple and straight-forward. Not so with humans. Complex. mysterious, and often unpredictable. I think your'e brave!

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