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Thursday, July 5, 2012

Mission Intolerable

Certain items should have warning labels.

Like chainsaws and electric toothbrushes. You know, the dangerous stuff.
Like them. Clearly, a hoodlum gang in the making.
But what about the things we bring home under the misguided notion it's not only safe, but it'll change our life for the better? Make it easier. Less run-into-the-street-screaming difficult.

These things are out to end your life in a deadly game of Twister. 

Danger with a capital GET OUT NOW!

The first bunk beds appeared around the 15th century. No one knows who invented them, but I believe the creator of said horizontal death traps worked for The Devil, crafting these torture devices in the fires of Hell's colon.


 You're mission, should you choose to accept it, is to change the bedding on the top and bottom bunks. Upon successful completion, this blog (and your head) will self-destruct.



 1) Get a bottle of wine and drink--at least half--while you stretch. It's okay if you fall over or pull a muscle. This is just the warm up.

 2) Toss a coin as to which injuries you'd like to incur first--HEADS for scalp and shoulder pain, and TAILS for leg and spinal abuse. This will dictate which bunk you start with.

 3) For instruction's sake, we'll go with HEADS. Grab your sheet and apply to the bottom bunk. Immediately, you'll realize two things.
      One, it requires Cirque Du Soleil discipline to remain on your feet beside the lower bed while hunching beneath the top.
      Two, a full size sedan is lighter than this mattress.

 4) Lose all balance and flop onto the bed. Go ahead and scrape your shin on the railing now and get it out of the way. Wrestle the sheets over the mattress as if you're mud-fighting an armed cheetah. Don't rush--this takes a while.

 5) Once done, jump straight up in triumph! And slam the base of your skull on the underside of the top bunk. Swallow your vomit. You will not change this @#$%ing sheet a second time.

 6) Wipe tears from your eyes and shout your favorite curse word. Repeat. Have another drink before scaling ladder just big enough for a set of Barbie feet. After that 30 second cardio workout from Hell, flop onto the top bunk. Ignore the splintering sound from the support rails. They've never let you down.

 7) Glance around for the sheet and see it laying on the floor by the ladder. Fall off the bed. Repeat step six. Spread sheet over mattress and smooth the ripples in a calm and non-terrified like manner. The bed will still smell your fear, but bravery is its own reward.

8)  Ignore the sweat pooling in your armpits, giving you a scent that disturbingly resembles that of an eviscerated mule. Left in the sun. For three days. Hook corners of sheet around one end. With nowhere to go but the half you've just covered, perform a spastic inverted dive and secure the opposite edges before landing on your face.

9) Slide down the ladder like a four year old fleeing in the face of Freddie Krueger. 

10) Congratulations! You've successfully changed the fitted sheets on bunk beds.


Now for the straight sheets and comforters.

Yeah. You're gonna need more wine.

24 comments:

  1. OMGosh, I can't stop laughing, Andris. I think I really missed out when Hot Builder and decided against bunkbeds for the 5 year old. Although, I think HB was thinking of all the ways our youngest could break a leg or arm, not Mommy injuries! LOL

    Thanks for starting off my Thursday will a full on laugh. :)

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    1. I do this once a week. You'd think I'd be in fabulous shape by now, but I think the heavy drinking and spinal injuries have snuffed out any benefits.Smart HB. These beds were my husband and his brother's when they were kids. I can only hope they caused as much trouble for the prior sheet changer (ahem) as they do me. Teehee!

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  2. Ugh! I hate making my daughter's twin bed that's pushed up against the wall. No way am I giving in to her pleading for bunk beds. Now I have even more reason to stick to my guns. Thank you very much for this important public service announcement. ;D

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    1. Yeah, I've got one of those to change as well! And his bed is higher than the average bed, so it's a little tricky. Still, I'll take that over bunk beds any day! When we move into a bigger house where each girl gets her own room (please dear Lord, let me get a bigger house!), I'll separate these beds for the rest of their miserable lives. ;}

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  3. This is hilarious, Andris. My sister and I had bunk beds when we were kids, and I remember having to change the sheets. Not fun. But I will gladly change the sheets on a bunk bed a thousand times before I will ever sleep on the top bunk of a bunk bed again. Every time I ever have, I've fallen off onto the floor. EVERY TIME. And I don't ever roll out of a normal bed, so I don't know what the deal is. I've even fallen off the top bunk when the guard rail has been in place. I guess I'm special.

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    1. Catherine, Goodness woman! It's a miracle you've lived to adulthood. Lol. I wonder why being high off the ground tempts your body to test gravity. You might very well hate bunk beds as much as I do at this point. ;]

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  4. As part of the painting kids rooms saga going on at my house, we unbunked our bunk beds.
    We had my youngest in a toddler bed and decided it was time to move him up. (he finally started to out grow the toddler bed. My youngest is in the 10 percent bracket for growth, he's small for his age.)

    Instead of buying new right now, we unbunked my oldest son's bunk beds. The top one wasn't used much except as a play/storage area. My husband was always the one to change the sheets. I couldn't lift mattress to change the sheets and since he ignored me on the not buying bunk beds in the first place, he got the job of changing them. Yeah, I washed them but he did the job of changing them.

    Unfortunately hubby's tall/strong enough to never bang his head. Really takes the fun out of it.

    I hope you unbunk those beds soon Andris.

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    1. Can't unbunk them, Beth. We don't have the room. The girls do want them down again, but they've got too much stuff! I really need a mansion, with a west wing for parents and and east wing for children. ;]

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    2. I kinda have that now except on a much smaller scale. The kid's bedrooms are on the opposite side of the house from the Master with the family room and kitchen inbetween. It doesn't help. They still argue and run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

      A mansion with enough property to bury the dead bodies is an absolute must for a writer. ;)

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  6. ROFLMAO! I have to go through this once a week and I can feel your pain. Literally. In fact it's time to change the sheets again and I keep putting it off. Any idea why? Yeah, well maybe they'll get done tomorrow but then again...maybe not.

    Oh, someday I'm totally going to burn these beds I swear. You'll hear my crazy cackling all the way to Raleigh I swear. If we all join in we could have a massive bonfire and dance around the flames drunk and naked while we're at. Sounds like fun actually. I'm in. LOL! At least you have another week to tackle this chore again. I, on the other hand, will be cursing you all the while my head is banging on the wood because you, madame, reminded me that the chore must be done. *sigh* I guess I'm off to wrestle with some sheets. =)

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    1. Suzie, Cursing me?! But I'm a victim too! If it makes you feel any better, my bottom bunker wet her bed last night...I just changed her sheets yesterday. I think the man upstairs hates my guts. Lol.

      I'm all for drunk around a bonfire, but I to be honest, these hanging baskets are not fit for public display! Bahahaha!

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  7. Thank you for almost killing me. I have a nasty cough and I was crying with laughter and wheezing as I attempted to read this out loud to my husband! He was cracking up too...BECAUSE IT IS ALL TRUE! This post was hilarious...

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    1. Olivia, Please, don't die on my account--I already get the skunk eye from an irritated policeman every day. I don't need to be suspected of homicide. ;] I know you understand the joys of changing bunk beds. I swear these things are alive and out to snuff mothers the world over!

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  8. Snort! Too funny, Andris!

    We have loft beds instead of bunks, but I'm with Beth--I give that job to the dh!

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    1. Deb, I would love to give that job to the hubs, but you know what he does when I do? He makes some flippant comment about how his mom, at 5'0" and I'm-not-allowed-to-mention-pounds, changed those sheets just fine. Not about to be out done, I get into a butt whooping contest the mattresses just to prove I'm better than they are! And sometimes, I actually win. ;}

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  9. Too freaking funny. And I remember it being just like that! Naturally, those beds didn't stay bunked long. We traded bedrooms with the girls and gave them the big room just so I could spread those damn beds out into twin beds. Never mind that my double bed was smashed against the wall so it would fit in the smaller bedroom. I wasn't about to put my little angels downstairs alone. And the second upstairs bedroom wasn't much bigger than a closet. But that's ok. I didn't mind crawling over hubby ever 4 hours to get up to pee. But he didn't like it much at all. lol! Guess that's why we moved. And left those damn beds to charity!

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    1. Lilly, I CANNOT wait until we're able to leave the beds AND the house in the dust! With my luck, I'll buy a bigger house just in time for the kids to move out. ;] Thank you for stopping by!

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  10. I'm guessing I didn't properly appreciate my mother's effort on this when I was a kid... LOL :-)

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  11. Erin, We didn't have bunk in our house (I'm the only girl and 10 years older than the next kid), so I was tickled with the idea of my girls having them. What a great, cute idea! No. Not ever. Their evil is hidden behind their space-saving convenience, but make no mistake-they ARE evil. Don't do it!

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  12. Still have a bunk bed (roommate = pay rent, student loans, AND buy food!). And this is ENTIRELY why I never make my bed. Fitted sheet on? Good enough. Life-threatening injuries? Eh, only one or two. I'll live.

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    1. Kiss and hug your mother! I wouldn't make that bed either if I were you. Lol. Thank you for stopping by, Juturna!

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  13. You are hilarious, Andris! But after that torture, I sort of think Step #11 should be "Clear a place in the yard, throw bunk beds onto that spot, light the bonfire, and commence roasting marshmallows." ;)

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    1. Katie, You are SO RIGHT! I should've performed a ritual sacrifice and set them ablaze! The girls would've had nowhere to sleep, but I'd sure feel better. Bahahaha!

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