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Monday, October 14, 2013

What I Want To Say

I’d had an entirely different blog written. It’s a blog that will no longer see the light of day. I’d written about the constant state of worry I’ve lived in through my current pregnancy. I spoke about waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop’.  Writers aren’t supposed to use weak clichés…but alas, I’m spent of energy and not as eloquent as I could or should be.

Sometimes people tell me I'm strong and courageous and brave. But the reality is; I'm none of those things. I'm not deserving of that because the truth is I’m weak and full of doubts, fear, and fury. And greed. I’m a greedy woman who wanted more.

After my five year struggle with infertility, I found myself pregnant with twins. And through it all, the joy I’ve felt with my pregnancy, that joy has been tempered by this fear—a fear that, as I said earlier, the other shoe will drop, and crush my dreams for Baby A and Baby B.

When I went in for a routine 20 week 6 day appointment and learned my cervix was significantly short and I was prepared by the doctor for what this meant; it could either be fine or end tragically. There was nothing they could do at this point, that it was a waiting game; I sat on that table and wept. I need at least another three weeks but even then, the prognosis he painted was grim. I don’t want to taint this with all the ugly images and possibilities. All I can think is;  How can anything happen to you? I feel you moving. I see your heartbeats on the ultrasound screen. I watch you swimming and kicking away. There cannot be a world in which you are not eventually alive in in it. You were meant to be here. Otherwise what has this all been for?




So I’ve written a letter to my daughters because I need to put the words out into the universe, I need them to hear it:

Dear Beautiful Hearts,

There are so many things I want to say to you. There are so many things I want you to know. I want you to know that I love you with a consuming love that fills me. You may not be born to this Earth yet, but you have captured a chunk of my heart that is yours and will forever be yours.  From the moment when I saw you on the screen, a mass of beautiful cells, I saw you as my children. I saw my dreams for you. I imagined holding you. I imagined you playing alongside your brother.

I admire you for being strong, powerful girls who did what only your brother managed to do; take root in my womb and grow…that is no easy feat.

I want you to know that from the beginning I have pleaded with God to give you life. I have bargained with him. And I assured him that regardless of whether there was anything chromosomally ‘abnormal’, I didn’t care. I wanted you. You belong to me and I would protect you and love you.

I’m so sorry that my body is failing you. But I need you to fight. I need you to stay exactly where you are, for as long as you are able, and then when you are no longer able to wait, when my body breaks down and forces your entry into this world, know that we’ll do everything and anything within our power to keep you with us.

I don’t know why this is happening. When I think I’m spent on crying, I’ll discover a whole new well that sheds with fear for you both.

But I’m your mother and we share the same blood and like you, fighters, mommy is a fighter too. And I’ll continue to fight for you. I’ll challenge the doctors and demand whatever modern medicine and steroids that we both need to make sure you have an opportunity to live.


I cannot wait to meet you…but in due time. Be patient. And grow. That is what I need you to do. I love you with every fiber of my being. As I’ve whispered to you on so many occasions…it’s not time yet. So just hang on, babies. 

30 comments:

  1. Love and the most fervent best wishes to you all, Christi.

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  2. Hang on babies!!! Christi: my friend had twins born at 26 weeks. They're now 19 and fine. FINE. Praying for you and the girls!

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    1. Thank you so much Judi. I love when people share stories about 'early arrivals'. It makes me less terrified. My due date is February 14th (Valentine's Day)...but my doctor told me to hang on until November 22nd b/c that day is a game changer.

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    2. And my bday is 2/13 so I'm hoping you hit that. One of my kid's bday is 11/22 so you'll make that one :)

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  3. Christi,
    I wish you the best and encourage you to stay positive. These girls have overcome so many odds already. Hugs to you, your husband, son, and the babies. <3

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    1. Thank you so much, Samantha. They have, haven't they. That's why I can't imagine a world without them in it. They've triumphed over so much already.

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  4. Ah, sweetie. I'm praying for you and the girls.

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    1. Thank you, Collette. The power of prayers have saved me. I truly believe that. And being positive.

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  5. That's lovely, Christine. You and your daughters are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. Don't worry Mama You will meet those Beautiful Baby Girls and they are very strong just like there Mama!!!!! Love you Sweetie!!!

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    1. Thank you so, so much 'Seth'! ; ) I know the babies (and I) have tremendous friends taking extra special care of us!

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  7. And it's Natasha!!! Not Seth :-) I used him!! lol

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  8. Christi ~ I am sending you every ounce of positive energy I have. Keep calm, breathe deep and think positive. :)

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    1. Thank you, Ava! I'm trying to channel all things positive.

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  9. You've got this, Mama!!! We're all cheering for you and those precious girls! And, like Ava, I'm sending positive energy your way!! Love and hugs!!!

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    1. Thank you, Jerrica. They are fighters...and their girls...and interestingly, I've learned that girls born early do much better than boys. I thought the doctors were just saying that, but turns out there is research on the topic. Love and Hugs back

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  10. Christi, you are a strong woman! You are a great mother, and those girls will come into this world and bring you joy! What a beautiful letter to them!!! You are still in my prayers!

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    1. Thank you, Marie! You've been cheering for them before they were even conceived!

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  11. Christi--

    Best thoughts to you and to your daughters.

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  12. Beautiful. Best of prayers for you three. :)

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  13. My dear friend, you know I have been praying for you and your girls from the very beginning. My mother has had all three of you on the prayer list at her church for months now. Never, ever underestimate the power of little old ladies from Alabama praying for you. God listens to those little old ladies with a special ear. He wouldn't dare do otherwise! :) Your beautiful daughters are so very loved and I look forward to meeting them. What strong champions you are growing for Rory, whom they will adore just as we all do.

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    1. I can't even tell you how touched I am, Louisa. The fact that you and your family have been praying for me, a stranger to them, gives me so much strength. And I do know...you've been a champion through many failed cycles and chemical pregnancies and other heartbreaks...I'm so honored by your steadfast devotion to me and my unborn girls.

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  14. Christi as always your posts make me cry. I am praying for these babies.

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  15. Christi,
    I'm praying for you and those two beautiful fighters. Hang in there, sweet friend.

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  16. You and you babies are in my prayers, Christi. You are a fighter and God is with you.

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  17. HI Christi,
    You have made me cry- I feel the same about my 'adult' babies and cry for them. My life is theirs even if they are adults. I pray to God for you and your family and your little Rory. I wish you love, peace and happiness. If I were God(I am a female!!!!) I would make this world happier with no pain, but my place is not at the head of this world but as a lowly homo sapien. I feel your joy and pain and will pray for healthy little girls.

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