I’d had an entirely different blog written. It’s a blog that will no longer see the light of day. I’d written about the constant state of worry I’ve lived in through my current pregnancy. I spoke about waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop’. Writers aren’t supposed to use weak clichés…but alas, I’m spent of energy and not as eloquent as I could or should be.
Sometimes people tell me I'm strong and courageous and brave. But the reality is; I'm none of those things. I'm not deserving of that because the truth is I’m weak and full of doubts, fear, and fury. And greed. I’m a greedy woman who wanted more.
After my five year struggle with infertility, I found myself pregnant with twins. And through it all, the joy I’ve felt with my pregnancy, that joy has been tempered by this fear—a fear that, as I said earlier, the other shoe will drop, and crush my dreams for Baby A and Baby B.
When I went in for a routine 20 week 6 day appointment and learned my cervix was significantly short and I was prepared by the doctor for what this meant; it could either be fine or end tragically. There was nothing they could do at this point, that it was a waiting game; I sat on that table and wept. I need at least another three weeks but even then, the prognosis he painted was grim. I don’t want to taint this with all the ugly images and possibilities. All I can think is; How can anything happen to you? I feel you moving. I see your heartbeats on the ultrasound screen. I watch you swimming and kicking away. There cannot be a world in which you are not eventually alive in in it. You were meant to be here. Otherwise what has this all been for?
So I’ve written a letter to my daughters because I need to put the words out into the universe, I need them to hear it:
Dear Beautiful Hearts,
There are so many things I want to say to you. There are so many things I want you to know. I want you to know that I love you with a consuming love that fills me. You may not be born to this Earth yet, but you have captured a chunk of my heart that is yours and will forever be yours. From the moment when I saw you on the screen, a mass of beautiful cells, I saw you as my children. I saw my dreams for you. I imagined holding you. I imagined you playing alongside your brother.
I admire you for being strong, powerful girls who did what only your brother managed to do; take root in my womb and grow…that is no easy feat.
I want you to know that from the beginning I have pleaded with God to give you life. I have bargained with him. And I assured him that regardless of whether there was anything chromosomally ‘abnormal’, I didn’t care. I wanted you. You belong to me and I would protect you and love you.
I’m so sorry that my body is failing you. But I need you to fight. I need you to stay exactly where you are, for as long as you are able, and then when you are no longer able to wait, when my body breaks down and forces your entry into this world, know that we’ll do everything and anything within our power to keep you with us.
I don’t know why this is happening. When I think I’m spent on crying, I’ll discover a whole new well that sheds with fear for you both.
But I’m your mother and we share the same blood and like you, fighters, mommy is a fighter too. And I’ll continue to fight for you. I’ll challenge the doctors and demand whatever modern medicine and steroids that we both need to make sure you have an opportunity to live.
I cannot wait to meet you…but in due time. Be patient. And grow. That is what I need you to do. I love you with every fiber of my being. As I’ve whispered to you on so many occasions…it’s not time yet. So just hang on, babies.