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Monday, November 11, 2013

25 Weeks

At 20 weeks four days pregnant, I was placed on bedrest due to pre-term labor complications in my twin pregnancy.  At that appointment, I was given a dire report by a dire doctor who I haven’t gone back to see. You see, by nature, I’m a pessimist. I’ve always believed the worst will happen. I don’t need a doctor who is a pessimist. I need a realist with a healthy dose of optimism. I found that in my regular OB.

I digress; being on bedrest, you do a lot of thinking. A. LOT. If you aren’t very creative and surrounded by an amazing support network, well then your mind can go down dark paths that fill you with fears of what can happen…all things beyond your control. But as I lay on my couch, alone, I retraced my pregnancy.

From the moment I conceived, I didn’t believe this miracle would happen to me. I had regular bleeding which couldn’t be explained.

Then there was the night, at 9 weeks pregnant when I woke up covered in blood, sobbing the words; “I’m losing them.” I spent the night in the hospital and waited what was only hours but may as well have been a lifetime to hear two strong, beautiful heartbeats…And to be told, that I had a large subchorinic hemotoma, greater than 50% of one of the gestational sacs. The risk: I would pass the clot but because of its enormity, it would/could pull out one or both babies. They said hopefully it would be just one. I sat numbly; no. I don’t want one. I want both. I loved them both. There was no consolation in thinking one might survive and the other might not. We, from conception, had become a team. These were my daughters. My warriors. We three cannot be separated. So I was placed on bedrest for the first time. I tried to lose myself in positivity and prayer and all things good. And miraculously the clot dissolved.

Through it all…it’s been a struggle. There hasn’t been one week where I sighed and relaxed and just…just was me, a pregnant woman blissfully happy. I’ve been a blissfully happy pregnant woman filled with fear.

At 20 weeks four days, we were told the strong likelihood of losing our girls. From then on, I lied on my couch and wrote. I wrote a lot. I ticked each day off, counting down to viability and beyond.

21 weeks wasn’t enough. We needed more time.

At 22 weeks, I crossed the week off my calendar but knew we needed still more time.

At 23 weeks, they began to feel suddenly real, in a way they hadn’t before.

At 24 weeks, they became even more real.

At 25 weeks, I began to realize that what had seemed at one time intangible was so very close. My cervix is failing, but they are still ‘cooking’…and every day is a victory.



The things I’d put off out of fear and numbed hopelessness; the nursery, the baby clothes, the double EVERYTHING, the names…are finally things I can wrap my mind around and believe they’ll be real.

Alas, I waited too long. I can’t shop. I can’t do much of anything, really.

What I can do is dream of two perfect names for my princess warriors. They can no longer be simply Baby A and Baby B. They deserve more than that.


So here I turn to you for ideas. What names can you come up with for these two miracles who continue to defy the odds? 

27 comments:

  1. Christina, you know how i've prayed for you and your girls. I have no doubt they are warriors and though I'm sure you don't want to name one of them Boadecia (lol) they deserve strong names.
    And since you write in the Regency era, i went to the Regency name generator and came up with these names:
    Charlotte, Helena (for Helen of Troy), Joanna (for Joan of Arc), Cecily,Diana (goddess of the hunt)
    The program is a lot of fun and can give yo some great ideas!!

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  2. Christina, you are always near the front of my thoughts as I feel like your story and mine started down such similar paths. I know that I've been quite lucky thus far carrying my two boys who are just a few weeks younger than your girls, but some of the terror that you describe that led to delays in shopping and decorating put that clench around my throat because I know them all too well. (I'm lucky my husband opted to not delay and our nursery, which was started three years ago, just got the finishing touch yesterday.) You are a strong lady and I sincerely look forward to the day you get to share a happy blog with pictures of you holding your two girls!

    On to names - I love, love, love the suggestion above of Helena (or Helene/Helen). I also love the name Hope, if only for a middle name. However, Helena and Hope would be beautiful together. They symbolize the two sides of your story - the fight and the faith. I'm sure whatever you choose will be beautiful. Here's to many more weeks of Xs on the calendar!

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  3. You get it, Megan. I think everyone on the IVF path and those with a history of loss, even with a 'typical' pregnancy, carry terror. My husband has been so afraid that he hasn't touched the nursery until this weekend. He just put the cribs together and it all started to feel more real. Maybe some day we can introduce my two girls to your two boys? : )
    Oh and for the names, I LOVE them, Megan. We were going to do Hope and Faith for their middle names...although I'm kind of partial to them as first names. Interestingly my grandmothers sisters were twins...and one of them was a Helen. : )

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    1. I'm all for Hope and Faith! So much of both have been a part of bringing them into this world :-)

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  4. You know you've been in my prayers every day since this began. I love the idea of Regency names, so I pulled out my book, and after a good long look came up with theses: Oriana (to rise), Phoebe (bright, shining, not to mention the name of my first heroine who is very strong), Lettice (happiness) and Emeline (strength). You can narrow all the names you get today and have a contest. Hugs and much love to you, your girls and Rory. Tweeted and shared.

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    1. Oriana would have a sweet connection to our struggle....I love it...and I like Emeline. That is actually the heroines in Forever Betrothed, Never the Bride! One of my friends just named her baby Emeline! Is that really what it means? That is perfect! Thank you for your prayers and well wishes. They are giving me strength.

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  5. According to The Baby Name Wizard, Rory's siblings should be named: Bridget, Dara, Leann, Jana, or Deidre. I don't like a book telling me what to do. ;D

    But you could look at other Gaelic names to see if you like any, such as: Ainsley, Blair, Carys, Maisie

    What do you think you want? Do you want girlie names? Old fashioned? Warrior names?

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    1. LOL I'm not a fan of a book telling me what to do, either! We were thinking the Gaelic route...but I was having trouble with the pronunciation of traditional Gaelic names. I really like Ainsley. We want 'different' names...non-traditional so we don't have name associations (which is hard as teachers). The main thing I'm looking for is something to signify strength and power. Rory's middle name is Celestino (as in sent from Heaven)...

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  6. I like Faith and Grace, you have kept the faith that you will have these precious babies and you will by the grace of God.

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    1. Sheryl,
      That is so beautiful. And I love that they go together, interwoven, like the girls themselves are. What would you do for a middle name with Grace?

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  7. Hope and Faith. Hang in there and I'll keep you in my prayers that all goes perfectly for you and your beautiful baby girls.

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    1. Thank you Sara! These are my absolute favorites. They've been hope and faith since before conception...my husband is being difficult and so his compromise was on their middle names. Thank you for your prayers; we appreciate them. And need them.

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  8. Christina, I am so, so excited for you!! After all your hardships, I know what a blessing these two girls are going to be...and are already!! I will continue to cheer them on and send all my good ju-ju that they stay in there and cook as long as they need!!

    As for names...this was my favorite part of having a baby. LOL! I'm in LOVE with Helena and Joanna -- they are so strong, yet feminine, and they are steeped in history :)

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    1. Helena is been thrown out by several ladies, thus far! I've never had a Helena in the classroom so I like that...but I've had several Joanna's. So no comment there. : )

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    2. Okay, then I vote Helena Grace and Sadie Hope :)

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  9. I said Randa and Riley over on the IVF/PGD board. Riley means "courageous" and Randa means "worthy of admiration." And, you know, they go with Rory. ;-) After reading the comments here, I love Helena, too! I know we all admire these girls' courageous determination to grow and hang in there. :) As a teacher, I've never had a Randa (two Mirandas, and they were great!). I've had several Rileys, boys and girls, and my cousin is a Riley (and a twin!)- they are all lovely, intelligent kids.

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    1. I love Riley!!!! That's a contender!!! Shh...don't tell anyone! ; )

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    2. You continue to be in my prayers sweet lady. I like the idea of all "R" names.

      BTW, I do like Faith, Hope, or Grace too.

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  10. Thank you so much, Collette! We got reprimanded by Rory's speech therapist for giving him an R name when it is such a hard letter to pronounce. But he says it beautifully so I'm thinking he can manage a couple more R names in his repertoire!

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  11. As always you never cease to amaze and inspire me Christi. You have so much to fear, yet you have braved it all. It reminds me of that quote: Bravery is not the absence of fear but the mastering of it. You meet it head on and you are conquering it because you are brave. I love seeing the pictures of your babies and it feels me with a sense of hope and makes me pray for them. They are warriors!

    Some baby name ideas: Cara and Mia (cara is italian for beloved and mia is italian for my, caramia together means "my beloved") or you can consider Daphne and Laura (both mean victorious or laurel crowned)

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  12. Thank you so much, Lauren. You've been around for many years of this struggle....I've finally allowed myself to believe they are going to be real. And part of that fills me with terror, too. I love Caramia as one name. Daphne is beautiful. Delicate but with a meaning of strength. One of the best special education teachers I ever worked with, was actually Daphne. The only issue is that my DH's cousin named his baby Daphne...they don't live close, however. Hmmmm....

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  13. Christi, I am praying so hard for you and your girls!!! I don't have any names to suggest but if you're not sick to death of baby naming books, try behindthename.com It is fabulous for searching them meanings in names. You might find the perfect names for your two strong, courageous little ladies. <3

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  14. Perfect, Andris! That is exactly what I'm looking for! I want a behind the name as opposed to just the 'name book'...I'm going to check it out now. Thank you!

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  15. One thing stands out is the name hope. You can go with names that mean hope for example:
    McKenzie-Rae=hope for a new beginning
    Nadia=hopeful
    Charise=charming, hopeful

    However, I wish you best of luck on finding the perfect name.

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  16. We all are with you, Christi. Just have faith. I'm sure everyone is eagerly waiting to see the pic of your baby girls once they arrive here. *Hugs*

    Though I consider myself an expert on giving unique names to babies, I'll control myself in your case. Otherwise, your babies will end up with Indian names. Take care. :)

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  17. Bless you, Christ! I know your beautiful daughters will be born healthy and perfect. You’re right in that you stay with a doctor who is positive and just kick the negative one to the curb. I’m voting for solid names like Sarah and Sophie. Those would be my choice if I was you.

    I know everything will go perfectly! Sending you and the babies big cyber hugs! :-)

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